Emotion....

It's late...

It doesn't happen too often that I am up this late anymore.  Guess it's the age in me coming out!  The weekend is almost over and the week ahead looks long.  Wonder what all it holds?

I sit here listening to the sounds around me. 
     It's raining again
     My husband softly snores beside me....sometimes not so softly! : )
My fingers fly across the keys but I am using the backspace more than I should.  Writing a line....erasing it....wondering how much I want to put out there for all the world to see.  Blogging is an incredibly vulnerable thing for me.  It exposes all parts of us.  The silly, the bored, the tired, the social, the pained, the sad, the joyful...But I love to look back on things that happened and be able to see God's faithfulness in everything.

It happened again today.  The red flow that tells me my womb is empty.  I was so hoping it would be holding life this month.  Guess not.  Instead the week looks long...filled with constant reminders that I am not yet a mommy, and Brad is not yet a father.  Filled with the empty feeling that now is not God's time for our family to start.  Will it ever be time?  I refuse to give in to the fear that my womb may never house life for 9 months.  Refuse to give in to the fear that my arms will never hold my own child. 

Fear..I command you to leave and I choose to replace it with trust.  Trust that I serve a God who knows best for my life.  Trust that no matter what my future holds..my God is ALREADY there.

He was there 3 weeks ago when we chose to open our home to a young lady who was tired of running.  He's been there in the 3 weeks of adjustment and changes.  Huge changes.  Frustrating times.  Times of misunderstanding and yet seeing her choose to turn her life around has been so worth it.

Maybe it's best that she is here right now.  I can't really grieve.  You see, I have to be the strong one for her.  The one who is helping her to see that God loves her and has a plan for her, even though  my heart wants to doubt that he does for me.  Maybe it's best that I can't wear my emotions on my sleeve right now.  Instead I wait till the house is still and then I let my emotions go.

Raw, raw pain and fear.  My tears won't stop...

I sing on the worship team at church.  Sometimes it's the hardest thing to do especially when you feel empty and feel like you have nothing to give, and even harder when you don't "feel" like worshiping.  Music ministers to me more than anything else.  So instead of holding in the tears this morning, I finally left them fall....

"Blessed be your name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, Blessed be your name.  You give and take away, you give and take away.  My heart will choose to say...LORD blessed be your name."

"Precious Jesus, I am ready, to surrender every care.  Take my hand now, lead me closer, Lord I need to meet you there."

These songs aren't the easiest to sing when your mind is full of hurting people and the pain of loss in your own life.  Our pastor closed the service by asking everyone to raise clenched hands to the Lord.  Tightly clenched hands raised up all over the church.  Then he told us to open our hands to the Father when we were ready to surrender whatever we were holding onto to HIM.  I stood there with my hands tightly clenched before my GOD.  Holding onto frustrating situations with the girl living with us right now, holding onto the dream of having a baby when I knew the blood was flowing as we sang...And then I left it go....I opened my hands to my Father God and gave it to him.  I could physically feel the difference.  It felt freeing.....I stood there drained and vulnerable....

It still hurts.  I'm still scared.  But in spite of it all, I choose LIFE.  I choose to TRUST in a God whose plan is so So SO much bigger than my own.

Yes, I will cry.  Yes, I will mourn the life that's not there like we were hoping it would be.  But I will move on.