Running

It's within all of us.  The desire to run when things get tough.  We just want to disappear and hope life is better because we ran.  But is it?  Does running make things better?  I'm not only talking about running physically, but running emotionally.


I don't know how you've found it, but in my experience, running never fixes anything.  Maybe temporarily, and for a little bit, but not long term.  There will always be something else to run from.  Hard situations, difficult people, emotional devastation, empty cribs, etc.  Our choosing not to deal with things, or "shoving them under the rug" IS, in a sense, running...

Yesterday the girl we had living with us ran.  Ran from frustrations, from people who loved her, from herself even, but most of all from GOD.  Yesterday was a very emotional day of me asking myself all kinds of "What if's".  What if we had done this or that, or if other people had done this or that...But the answer was clear...She would've found SOMETHING to run from.  Things got so scary to her and so she did the only thing she knew how to do...RUN. 

I know the stuff going through my head yesterday was all lies that the devil was filling my head with, but it was real to me.  That was one of T's frustrations...people telling her not to listen to the lies.  But to her they were very real.  I feel for her in a whole new way.  The lies ARE real to me.  Yes, I know they are lies...but that doesn't change the fact that they are in my mind.  Just like we were trying to help her...I hear my words echoing back to me..."Fill the spots those lies took with truth"  So that's what I'm doing...taking my own advice! : ) The truth that I did exactly what I needed to at the time, the truth that it is out of my control...only GOD can work in her life. 

That doesn't make it any easier that there is an empty guest room in my house.  I prayed for her as I packed her stuff into boxes.  Prayed that God would meet her and show himself to her in a whole new way.  We will miss her.  Yes, it had it's adjustments and challenges but it was also so rewarding to walk through this journey with her and be there for the good parts.  I think of all the progress she made and hope things keep replaying in her mind as she RUNS.

I think more than anything it has been such a picture of Christ's love for me and for us, his Creation.  Choice is a beautiful thing and yet so so scary.  It makes ME so, so sad to think of the choices she is making and to think of her running right back to the scary things she ran FROM, but how much more love her PARENTS have for her and even more so her heavenly FATHER.  How his daddy heart must be breaking right now to see her turn her back on HIM once again.  The beauty of choice is that HE will be waiting with his arms wide open when she gets tired of running.  Just simply waiting to erase all the choices she made and give her a clean slate. 

It makes me want to thank HIM all over again for HIS LOVE for ME.  It also makes me so thankful to be part of HIS family.  We have felt so many prayers over these past few weeks.  I honestly hate to think of how different today could've been for Brad and I if people hadn't been praying for us.  Today has been a much better day.  Yes, still things to work on, and lies to erase,  but GOD is here.

Emotion....

It's late...

It doesn't happen too often that I am up this late anymore.  Guess it's the age in me coming out!  The weekend is almost over and the week ahead looks long.  Wonder what all it holds?

I sit here listening to the sounds around me. 
     It's raining again
     My husband softly snores beside me....sometimes not so softly! : )
My fingers fly across the keys but I am using the backspace more than I should.  Writing a line....erasing it....wondering how much I want to put out there for all the world to see.  Blogging is an incredibly vulnerable thing for me.  It exposes all parts of us.  The silly, the bored, the tired, the social, the pained, the sad, the joyful...But I love to look back on things that happened and be able to see God's faithfulness in everything.

It happened again today.  The red flow that tells me my womb is empty.  I was so hoping it would be holding life this month.  Guess not.  Instead the week looks long...filled with constant reminders that I am not yet a mommy, and Brad is not yet a father.  Filled with the empty feeling that now is not God's time for our family to start.  Will it ever be time?  I refuse to give in to the fear that my womb may never house life for 9 months.  Refuse to give in to the fear that my arms will never hold my own child. 

Fear..I command you to leave and I choose to replace it with trust.  Trust that I serve a God who knows best for my life.  Trust that no matter what my future holds..my God is ALREADY there.

He was there 3 weeks ago when we chose to open our home to a young lady who was tired of running.  He's been there in the 3 weeks of adjustment and changes.  Huge changes.  Frustrating times.  Times of misunderstanding and yet seeing her choose to turn her life around has been so worth it.

Maybe it's best that she is here right now.  I can't really grieve.  You see, I have to be the strong one for her.  The one who is helping her to see that God loves her and has a plan for her, even though  my heart wants to doubt that he does for me.  Maybe it's best that I can't wear my emotions on my sleeve right now.  Instead I wait till the house is still and then I let my emotions go.

Raw, raw pain and fear.  My tears won't stop...

I sing on the worship team at church.  Sometimes it's the hardest thing to do especially when you feel empty and feel like you have nothing to give, and even harder when you don't "feel" like worshiping.  Music ministers to me more than anything else.  So instead of holding in the tears this morning, I finally left them fall....

"Blessed be your name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, Blessed be your name.  You give and take away, you give and take away.  My heart will choose to say...LORD blessed be your name."

"Precious Jesus, I am ready, to surrender every care.  Take my hand now, lead me closer, Lord I need to meet you there."

These songs aren't the easiest to sing when your mind is full of hurting people and the pain of loss in your own life.  Our pastor closed the service by asking everyone to raise clenched hands to the Lord.  Tightly clenched hands raised up all over the church.  Then he told us to open our hands to the Father when we were ready to surrender whatever we were holding onto to HIM.  I stood there with my hands tightly clenched before my GOD.  Holding onto frustrating situations with the girl living with us right now, holding onto the dream of having a baby when I knew the blood was flowing as we sang...And then I left it go....I opened my hands to my Father God and gave it to him.  I could physically feel the difference.  It felt freeing.....I stood there drained and vulnerable....

It still hurts.  I'm still scared.  But in spite of it all, I choose LIFE.  I choose to TRUST in a God whose plan is so So SO much bigger than my own.

Yes, I will cry.  Yes, I will mourn the life that's not there like we were hoping it would be.  But I will move on.

Beach 2010

So I know that our family vacation was over a month ago, but it's been one of those blogs spinning around in my head.  One of the main reasons I blog is so that I can look back on those memories or times in my life.  Family vacation is most certainly something I want to archive!

For years now, my family has been going to the beach for our summer vacation.  We started out camping, and then when the grandkids started coming along, we found that getting a house was just a lot easier.  I think we finally found a house now that will accomodate us in years to come.  Each family/couple/single person has their own bedroom and the closets are big enough to be a bedroom so the children slept in closets in their parents rooms!

I loved every minute of this vacation.  Ok, almost every minute.  There was the 15 minutes that Gracie was lost.  I didn't like that so much.  It was absolutely terrifying.  We had been at the beach about 15 minutes and realized Gracie was no where around us.  We scattered, looking for her.  Jim told the lifeguards and they messaged her name and age down the line using their little orange flag thingys.  Some ladies found her and brought her to me.  When I found her she was 4 or 5 lifeguard stands down.  That was the longest walk in my life.  We were all crying when she was safely in her momma's arms.  We talked about it a few times over the week about how different our vaction and lives would've been if things would've been different.  It definitely gave me more of a heart for missing children and for what their families must go through.

Last year over vacation I had just had surgery after my miscarriage and was an emotional wreck!  I couldn't go in the water so sitting on the beach wasn't very fun for me.  I remember thinking last year, that maybe I would have a baby by next vacation.  Little did I know that I would have another miscarriage before next vacation.  The thing I loved the most about vacation was having my man around 24/7!  We even took an evening and went out on a date...just the 2 of us...and ice cream, with sprinkles thank you very much!

One thing I love about our family vacation is how we are each on our own and yet do everything together.  We usually all drive out to the beach separate and whoever gets out first finds a spot big enough for all of us.  Some of us stay on the beach all day, some for an hour or so.  We often hit the pool when we got back and then it was naps and games while the children slept!

Babies ate the sand, the rest of us played in it.  The waves were perfect so we spent a lot of time in the water.  There is nothing like some sun and sand and water and family. 

I am so blessed...

Favorite Casserole

One of the things I was most scared about when I got married was the cooking.  The very idea of planning a meal every night was so intimidating to me and I was sure I would fail miserably at it!  I was much more of a "baker" growing up, and only when Mom went away would I attempt cooking.  My brothers and dad always seemed to be ok with and seemed to enjoy any cooking I did. Usually after the meal the conversation would go like this...

Me:  So what did you think

Guys:  It was good

Me: But did you like it

Guys:  It was good

Me: Should I make it again

Guys:  It was good

I am seriously laughing my head off as I type this!  It really didn't go like that but it kinda sorta did!  To them it was food and it was good.  That's all that mattered.  I could usually tell if they really liked it though.

Thennnnnnn I got married and thankfully, my husband is the world's most unpicky eater!  At least for hot cooked food that is.  Not so much a dessert man because he's not fond of fruit.  Any dessert with fruit in it is out of the question except apple pie.  He loves apple pie.  Do you have any idea how hard apple pie is to make?  I wouldn't know because I've never tried to make it, but the thought alone is intimidating!  Another very good thing about cooking for my husband is that after living on his own for 10 years and surviving on Burger King and Subway for supper and the occasional ring balogna and ice cream, he was thrilled to have a cook in the house.   I think he married me so I would cook for him!  Just kidding!  But he did hear my fears about cooking and pretty much shattered them....

I absolutely LOVE cooking for this man!  He loves anything I make and lets me know how much it means to him that I cook for him.  He loves when I try new things.  One day as he was leaving for work, I warned him that I don't know how supper is going to turn out because I'm gonna experiment and throw some things together.  He said "Go for it!  I can't wait to come home and see what you made".  I don't even remember what I made, but I do remember that it WAS good.  I really need to start writing my experiments down so I can make them again!  I love twisting recipes around and making them my own.  Bottom line...I pretty much love cooking.  Ok, I do get sick of coming up with meals all the time but the good thing is that Hubby loves leftovers too!  One meal lasts us 2 or 3 so basically I cook about 2 or 3 times a week!

I'm not really a casserole person but do love a few of them.  One of my friends brought this as a meal after one of my miscarriages and we both loved it.  I looked around in my cookbooks till I found a similar recipe and now I make it alot.  Not every week alot, but probably like every month!  I also make it for the old couple I take care of.  In fact I just made it today and that's what made me remember that I had wanted to blog about it.

I love when people post recipes with pictures.  I also love when people post simple recipes on blogs or facebook etc.  That's why I thought I would  put this on here.  It really is so simple and delicious...

6 Layer Casserole (taken from Weavertown Cookbook)

Start out by peeling a few potatoes.  I usually do about 5 potatoes and also whatever veggies I want.  I often use beans or peas instead of carrots.  For these pics I used carrots because that's what the recipe calls for!

While I'm peeling veggies, I also am frying the hamburger.  Don't ya just love being a woman and being able to multitask?!

The fun thing about this casserole is layering everything. Layer a bunch of potatoes, then the carrots and then some chopped onion. And another thing I LOVE is that you don't have to cook the veggies!

Then the hamburger, a sprinkle of pepper,

and then a layer of Velveeta cheese slices

After that use a can of cream of mushroom soup and put it over everything.  Then I also sprinkle some parsley on it.

Doesn't it look so pretty from the side?

Then cover it and pop it in the oven for 1 and 1/2 hours

Yummo....

Mine got a little burnt but we like it crispy!

Enjoy and keep it simple!

6 Layer Casserole

2Cups Potatoes

2Cups Carrots

1 medium onion, chopped

1 lb. ground beef, fried and drained

Velveeta Cheese slices

1 can Cream of Mushroom soup

Layer ingredients in order given in a casserole dish.  Bake at 350* for 1 1/2 hours 

Tea Party

A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to win a tea party giveaway, from one of my favorite blogs. This site is chock full of all kinds of gardening tips and helpful advice. 

Funny thing is, Esther was also my Home-Ec teacher in high school and I can remember learning lots of good things from her.

If you ever get the chance to have enjoy her garden...go for it!  Her backyard is beautiful and so peaceful.  You can tell that flowers are her passion, not to mention all of the fun little goodies she finds here and there!

Esther had just finished hosting a twilight tour and had had ots and lots of strangers and friends milling about her gardens.  When she hosted the giveaway party, the gardens were in tip-top shape.  We got to enjoy the surroundings of her hard work.  Like the cozy gazebo.  Seriously, it looked so dreamy and romantic and were it not for the fact that I would be scared of breaking the old fragile antique bed, I would've laid down for a short snooze!

The company was fun too.  They were all ladies I kinda knew but a few I hadn't spent time with in a long time. 

We had an enjoyable evening chatting and discussing all kinds of things... and eating...oh yes eating!

Esther not only has a knack for gardening but also cooking.  She served a simple, yummy, elegant feast.  My favorite was the dessert (of couse).  I so wish desserts were as healthy as veggies!   A scoop of moose tracks ice cream over a chewy chocolate cookie, and topped with hot fudge sauce.  Oh my but it was so so good.

Perfect way to spend a summer evening!  Thanks Esther!

Weekend Getaway

I don't like when my husband works Saturdays.  I don't complain though because it's nice not having to stretch the paycheck as much.   Besides, he's making up for times this winter when work was slow.  He's usually home by 3 or so when he does work on Saturdays so it could be worse, but I still would rather have him home with me!

So a few weeks ago, on a Saturday, when my husband was at work, my doorbell rang and there was this sweet old man handing me a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  I ripped open the note...

I was so thrilled!  I had always thought it was soooo romantic when a husband did this kind of thing for his wife and now my husband was doing it for me.  Totally out of the blue. 

This is my puzzled face.  Definitely not a mad face although looking at it now, I think I look a bit irritated.  But for real, I was puzzled and tickled!

We headed out and made some stops along the way.  One of them to MacDonald's to chill with a mocha frappe....mmmmm.  Then we had to fill our tire with air.  I sat in the car and sipped my frappe while hubby dear did his manly duty and made our chariot ready.

My hubby was determined to keep our destination a secret as long as possible and kept his mouth shut even in the face of true adversity!  As soon as we headed east, I assumed we were headed to Philadelphia or somewhere around there.  It doesn't get much more "east" than that unless you want to drive for a few hours and head northeast or southeast.  Ok..I'm getting off track...We did end up in Philly.  Brad reserved an executive suite at the Crowne Plaza Hotel. 

Brad said that it actually wasn't as great as the website made it seem, but we did have a lovely room!  The executive part meant that we had full access to a 24 hour snack bar on that floor.  We did help ourselves to some goodies and then got bagels and fruit there in the morning for breakfast.

It was such a lovely weekend of refreshment and just enjoying each other.  We watched movies and talked and laughed and dreamed and just enjoyed being together. 

I never dreamed married life could be this good.  It feels so good to have someone love me unconditionally and who challenges me to be my very best.  He shows me in sooo many ways that he loves me.  He empties the dishwasher every morning if it is full.  He tells me every day that I am the most beautiful woman in the world.  He listens when I pour out my heart and holds me when I cry.  He makes me talk when something is bothering me.  He tells me every day that he loves me! 

I am so glad the honeymoon stage doesn't have to end!

I love you babe! : )

Trash to Treasure

I love Tuesdays. 

Ever since I started working at Farmersville auction, I've been collecting all kinds of treasures.  You see, anything that doesn't sell, we as workers get the option of taking it for free.  Me, I am a sucker when it comes to free stuff.  I spot poor lost items and they seem to call my name. 

So a few weeks ago, these old desk ends ended up on the "no bid" pile.  Poor dejected things.  I wonder what their history is?  Right away I thought that they would make a good planter stand.

Too bad I don't have a picture of them before we did anything but they really didn't look any different.  I didn't really do anything to them other than get my hubby to make a seat, back and top of old wood.  He also fastened it on pieces of wood to keep it sturdy.  See, I wouldn't have thought of that!

Hubbys are so handy!  I like to try and do most of my redo things on my own but sometimes it just needs manly help!

My  hubby has the brains to know how to put together the things I see in my head!  Guess that's what marriage is all about...working together!

It turned out just likethe picture in my head.  All except the long flowy plants.  Next year I will get plants before they are all picked out.  I envision plants trailing off of it, down the sides.  At least these plants I picked up were buy one, get one free!  Not a bad look for $2.25!

Who says trash can't become treasure!

It's Tuesday and I'm off to the auction again!  Wonder what will be calling my name today?!