Holding Them Close

Tears stream down my face as I hold closely the wriggling body of my infant son. He has no idea what is going through my mind, but I can't help but hold him close and cry into his shoulder.  I go to the table where his preschool age sister is happily playing play-do and scoop her up in my arms. Surprised, she wraps her little arms around my neck as I quietly sob. She has no idea that tears are streaming down my face and has no idea what possessed her mother to interrupt her play and scoop her into a tight hug. I let her go and turn quickly so she can not see my tear stained face. But shes smart and says “Don’t cry Mommy, you may play with me”. I choke out a smile and go back to her wailing brother.

When my husband and I started the journey in foster care we tried to prepare ourselves for the heartbreak that inevitably comes with losing your heart to these kids but nothing could’ve prepared me for the fear that coursed through my body when I found out that we can not move towards adoption at this point like we had hoped. By this time we should be well on the way to adopting our daughter. Even though nothing is finalized, just the thought that things don’t look as good for us as they did at one time, makes me panic. 

I feel myself wanting to distance myself from these children to protect myself but I know that is not the answer. The risk of being a foster parent/hoping to adopt is just that…a risk. We knew that when we signed up for this and yet the reality is so tough. It’s impossible to halfway love these kids, impossible not to dream of a future of when we change their names and they become “ours”. So for now, I will love on them like they deserve while I have them. Make memories while we can, try to teach them things that will last for a lifetime, and hold them a little closer today.

Catch up Time!

It seems like forever since I've blogged.  Ok..it's BEEN forever!  I had a few posts started but never got them finished.  Seems with all the changes life has thrown our way this just got put on the back burner.  But now with Sissy in preschool and Baby napping in the afternoon, I have time to myself again!  And yes, that's right..I did say Baby!  So it looks like I should catch you all up on a few things.  Here is the past few months in a nutshell....

August 11th: we got a call asking us to take 2 little girls.  Sisters, ages 5 and 2.
September: the 2, 5 year olds started kindergarten every day, all day.  I was quite grateful!

October and November: I was busy just keeping my head above water.  We thought "J" was going home to his father earlier but it kept dragging out and the reason we said yes to the girls was so that Sissy would have someone to play with and help with her depending less on her brother.  There were days I wanted to pull my hair out, and quite a few trips to the bedroom to cry a little and regroup myself! : )  But somehow we made it through.  Along with the business of taking care of all the children we were also doing some fertility treatment.  Nothing too invasive just lots of trips to the doc for bloodwork and tests.  Sometimes I took the girls with me and sometimes my mom came to my rescue!

End of November: we got a call from the agency saying the mother of the first 2 kids we had was pregnant..would we want the baby?  After some thought we said yes.  She was due the middle of December.  We knew J was going with his father in the next week since he had started spending weekends there.  The girls were going to leave soon after Christmas because it was just too much here.  The oldest and "Sissy" did not get along and when the family that was caring for their brother and sister said they would be willing to take them, it was an answer to prayer for us!  So even though we knew it would be a crazy few weeks, in the long term we would have 2 that looked good for adoption!  I promptly went knocking on doors of Amish neighbors and found me a helper!  She came once a week to clean and was ready to come any time I needed her to help look after the kids etc.

Beginning of December: birth mom was having cramping so she went to the hospital where they did an ultrasound.  She told the caseworker that it was a baby girl and she is due the beginning of January.  We were tickled pink at the thought of a sister for Sissy and relieved that the baby was due in January!  I went shopping! ; )

The beginning of this month: I had another miscarriage.  I had been under treatment and on some hormome stuff but it wasn't enough to keep the baby in my womb.  It was devastating and yet the thought of a baby soon to be joining our home made it somewhat easier.  It's hard to say how I feel about this 4th loss.  I feel almost immune to the fact that I was even ever pregnant and it's like a part of myself hardened yet again.  Maybe it's because that with the craziness of the month I didn't really have or take time to grieve.  We still pray that God would bless us with a biological child but at this point have put all treatment on hold.  It's just too hard...

December 9th: Sissy turned 4 and had not one, but 2 parties!  I had fun putting together a princess party for her and some of her friends!

December 9 -11: was our church's Live Nativity.  Brad and I are on the committee so it was a busy weekend for us!

December 15th: J went home to his birth father.  It was hard to see him go but the transition was rough on all of us so it was almost a relief to have him in one spot instead of back and forth.

December 16th:  Got a call from the caseworker that BABY had arrived.  Oh and by the way...IT'S  A BOY!!  Thank goodness I hadn't washed all that cute little girl stuff (just in case)!  I went shopping again! : )

December 18th: Brad and I went to the hospital to pick up an adorable little 6.5 lb baby boy!

The Christmas season was somewhat of a blur....I was running low on sleep! : ) 

December 26th: we took the girls to their new home to live with their brother and sister.

January 21-27:  Brad and I went with our church worship team to sing in Alabama Prisons with WeCare.  SOOO hard to leave the kids but they were in good hands with a foster family from church.

End of February: Sissy started preschool.  She loves getting out and playing with other kids.  She's there every day but Monday from 12:25-4:00.  It's been nice to have some time to get things done around here and even take a nap sometimes!

After that things settled into a new normal.  We love having these 2...and have been able to really work on bonding and attaching with "Sissy". She loves having us all to herself and getting special privileges since there aren't any other kiddos around.  She didn't even go through anything major with the baby.  I started rocking her every evening and making sure I take time to hold, cuddle and sing to her, just like I do her baby brother.  Speaking of Baby brother.  He is so adorable and growing like a weed.  The tiny 6.5 lb baby boy is now a whopping 14 lbs!  I spent the first month being his primary caregiver so that he would definitely attach to some one.  I ended up sleeping on the recliner most nights because I loved holding him.  Although Brad fed him a time or 2 and my mom once or twice, I wanted to be the only one to feed him.  Basically I pretended I was breastfeeding!  It definitely helped with attachment.  He lights up as soon as he sees me and it's humbling to be the center of his little world!

Being a foster parent isn't easy especially when we find ourselves so in love with these children and realizing they could be taken from us so easily.  And yet, I keep reminding myself that having a biological child wouldn't be too much different....they could still be taken at any time.  It's just a different way of thinking about it.

Life has been good...It's had it's challenges and days of tears.  Any foster mom can tell you that the waiting game is so so tough.  I want to write more and have posts waiting but for now, I felt like I should let you all know that I am among the living! : )

This Thing Called Parenting & Girls Night Out

So it may come as no surprise to many of you that everything I thought I knew about parenting is pretty much thrown out the window.  Yes, there are lots of things I've learned in my years of being a nanny and teaching school that definitely get applied to the way I parent and yet no one could have prepared me for what it really was like.  You see, in the years of nannying and teaching and even the countless times I took care of my neices and nephews and thought up all kinds of fun stuff to do with them, there always came a time when they returned to the ones who "parented" them.  But now?  Now, I am that parent.  With these precious souls there is no returning them to the ones who parent them, because it's me.  Well, me and the man I could not do this without. Seriously, I have no idea how single moms do it.

Speaking of "the man"...last weekend we decided to put the kids in respite.  The agency we are with says we can do that once a month.  We thought it would be best to try and not use it especially while they are still adjusting, but after a crazy week we went ahead with plans.  It was definitely the right choice.  The kids missed us and we talked to them every night assuring them we would pick them up on Sunday.  My man and I enjoyed just lounging around, sleeping in, going out to eat and just making sure we were still on the same page on all kinds of stuff.  Friday night we went to Ichiban, a Japanese Steak House, for dinner.  I got sushi for an appetizer and we enjoyed a lovely meal with fun entertainment too!  Saturday night we met our friends at AppleBees at 10:00!  Normally we would be in bed by that time but hey, why not live it up!  Such a fun refreshing weekend we had.  And it was good to see the kids again!

It used to annoy me when Moms would complain and get frustrated with their kids especially when they had a hard time getting pregnant or having kids.  To be honest, it still kinda annoys me and yet, I am definitely a little more sympathetic towards mothers in general!  I feel it is important to spend time with your children and I do not want to put them at a sitter too often, even if it is Ma-Ma, but sometimes we as mothers just need a break.  I am fast realizing how refreshing even an hour of alone time can be.  Yes, I know that we just jumped right into parenting without the 9 month prep but it is the role we chose, and the ministry we feel called too so we (I) need to "suck it up" and realize that my time of being alone and having things the way I like it is over.  Notice all the "I's" in this paragraph.  Motherhood brings out the selfish side of me.  I am realizing more and more how hard it is to lay aside the things that "I" want to do and tend to the needs of my children, even if there are lots of other things that seem more important at the time.

Yesterday, I was supposed to have a root canal done so my dear Mom came and picked up my children.  My appointment was pretty early in the morning and I would've had to wake them up to take them down.  And while I'm at it, can I just say that I pretty much have the most amazing mom ever?  She comes up every Tuesday and hangs out with them while I work at the auction and is always ready and willing to help in whatever way she can.  These kids of mine have stolen her heart and she is an amazing Ma-Ma!  Anway, back to the root canal.  It never happened!  After my consultation the Dr. said she would suggest pulling the tooth because it is cracked and a root canal wouldn't take care of the problem.  My dentist won't be impressed, but that is definitely what I am going to do.  The tooth is in the bottom in the back and no body will notice if I get it pulled.  I would 10 times rather be knocked out and get it pulled than do through the trauma of a root canal.  So after my root canal that didn't happen I came home and got some things taken care of.  Mom said the kids were fine and having fun so I took advantage of the alone time and did some shopping.  One of my stops was a Christian Book Store.  I realized the other day that in about every stage of life I have been in, I have read books relating to it.  Like when I was teaching, I read books on teaching, when I was single, I read books on how to deal with that.  The same with dating and then marriage.  Suddenly it dawned on me that I possessed not one book about parenting.  So I bought a few books that seemed to be filled with tips and advice for mothers.  Ahhh well now, that should make it all better! (yeah right). Would love to have you guys tell me the best book on parenting you've read!  I know that parenting foster kids is different in a way, but alot of things are still the same.

Last night I went with a group of ladies to this darling cafe to celebrate a birthday.  This particular group of ladies is not made up of friends that I grew up with but when we get together it has that comfy feel.  You know, the kind of feeling that you can open your mouth and say anything and you won't get judged?  Yeah, that one.  There is no better kind of friend, I am convinced.

The ever famous tomatoe pie was actually quite good although I was quite happy with my Turkey Panini.  Some of us gals who wanted to try the Tomatoe Pie but weren't quite brave enough to have it as our meal, bought a piece to share.  It really was yummy.  So was the cupcake I had for dessert!!!

I find these evenings even more refreshing now that I am a mother myself.  It was nice to sit with other mothers and share frustrations and tips and advice.  Not all of the group were mothers but everyone participated in the lively conversation.  A few of us are also foster/adoptive mothers so it was good to get that perspective as well. 

After last evening, I decided I needed to be much more consistent in things.  When I say "No", that's exactly what it means.  It's been quite an exhuasting day to say the least.  I think Miss A had at least 15-20 time outs.  Mostly for saying things like "I'm not listening" and "No" when she was told she was not allowed to have candy or watch a movie etc.  I promptly put her in time out without a warning each and every time.  It was exhausting and draining and I told Brad it takes more energy to remain calm than it does to just deal with stuff like I would want to!  By the end of the day though, it was amazing how they started listening right away without complaining.  Hopefully tomorrow and the next day I can stick with it and give these kids the security they need.  There is such security in boundries and guidelines and kids thrive in that. 

Well, this post has been long enough and it's time to join my hubby in bed.  This was written in the course of the day so there are probably plenty of errors!  I have so much I want to blog about and it's so frustrating that I can't blog about all the memories we are making with our kids.  It kinda makes me want to yell at the big bad caseworker person and say "FINE, I JUST WON'T BLOG THEN" (as if they care if I blog or not!).  In reality our caseworker is very sweet and when I think about how it probably is protecting the kids I can't help but comply.  Maybe someday when we can really call them our own, I'll catch you up on their history with us in pics!  For now, it's good-night...

"Mommy"

I've been called "Mommy" a handful of times in my lifetime.  Over the years of teaching school it would come out of a students mouth when they needed something or wanted to show me something and then they would get a funny look on their face when they realized what they had said.  My nieces and nephews have also called me mom a time or 2 and when the Leid kiddos were living here I was addressed as "Mommy" every now and then before they realized it!  It was always "by mistake".

Yesterday (Tuesday), Brad and I picked up the most adorable little girl and boy and now, I get called "Mommy" countless times a day.  I have even started addressing myself as that.  We have entered the world of foster parenting.  We are hoping to adopt these dear little children sometime in the future.  As of now it looks very hopeful that "A" will become our daughter someday. 

Yesterday as we ripped her from the arms of her present foster mother my heart was breaking.  Her cries of terror and anger were almost more than I could handle.  I just wanted to gather her into my arms and hug her cares away.  At the time, I was the "bad guy" taking her away from her Mommy.  Finally, her foster mom left and it was us and the caseworkers.   She was still sobbing, heartbroken, while her brother sat quietly in his car seat waiting on his next adventure.  I wonder what was going through his little mind.  He had just had an hour visit with his birth father and now was leaving the home he had known for the last 6 months and now was headed to be in the care of some strangers.  He just sat there quietly, not saying a word, with Brad and waited on the rest of us.

Pretty soon we seen that things were not going to get any better and we should just try leaving.  The caseworker put her into her car seat and strapped her in, as she was kicking and screaming the whole time.  I sat in the front seat quietly crying while Brad held my hand.  As soon as we left the driveway, her sobs quieted and the rest of the way home she just did the whole sighing sobbing thing.  It was almost as if she was just resigned to her fate. 

We didn't say too much on the 20 minute ride home and when we got here they were busy running around exploring everything.  The home they came from sent a few tubs of clothing and toys along and I put stuff away and got organized while Brad played with the kids. Most of the day "A" asked "Where my Mommy", and I would tell her that she's going to live here now.  She didn't say anything but would just go on playing.  I wonder what was going through her mind.

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Wow...shows how busy my life really is!  The above was typed and ready to go but I wanted to go over it some more before I posted it.  Now, it's Monday.  Tomorrow it will be a week since these kiddos have joined our home!  Gone are my days of surfing the web, sleeping in, staying up late etc!  These guys sure keep me busy.  They get up around 6 or 6:30 every morning, so I have been getting to bed early so I can function in the morning!  Yesterday was Sunday and as soon as we put the kids down for naps, Brad sent me to bed as well.  They only slept around an hour and a half but he didn't let them wake me until I had been sleeping for 2 1/2 hours.  I so needed that long nap.  It seemed like the whole week just caught up with me.

Brad has been the most amazing daddy.  He does so well with them.  "Mommy, where Daddy" is a phrase I hear a couple of times a day.  After the weekend we had with them getting all kinds of daddy's attention, I know I'll hear it countless times again today!  It seems the children are adjusting well and we are loving them so much and they bring so much joy to our home.  Yes, there are things that I miss about life a week ago, but I sure wouldn't trade it!  I have been snapping pics of them left and right and so wish I could show you all, but the law forbids us from putting any kids of pics of them on the web.  You'll just have to meet them in person to see how cute they really are!

Well, I'm off to start my day!  Pretty soon I'll hear little feet coming down the hall and someone will want some snuggle time.  I think that's my favorite time of the day...when they wake up in the morning or from naps and want to snuggle.  Or maybe it's when we're tucking them in and they each want a hug and a kiss, or maybe it's at supper when all they want to do is chatter, or maybe it's at family time when we teach them new songs and their little voices just sing, or maybe it's when they're playing and all of a sudden "J" will say..."I love you Mommy". 

It's so weird how in an instant I became a "Mommy".  The one whom these children look to for love and help and everything else.  They are so dependent on me. The other times that I was called "Mommy" was a "mistake" and never really intentional, but now I really am a Mommy and I am loving it!

Grief...Once Again

Grief..this word is becoming all too real to me.  It seems like there has been so much of it in my life lately. 

Monday, April 4th, something prompted me to take a pregnancy test.  Maybe it was the fact that I was feeling yucky, maybe it was the fact that a week before, my "period" had only lasted 1 day, I don't know.  But finally, I took one.  I did my duty, left it lay on the sink and went about my morning chores.  Then I remembered...and went to look.  There before my eyes were 2, yes 2, pink lines.  So many times in the past year there had been only 1 line and I just thought it would be that way again.  I burst into tears and left a message on my hubby's phone.  He only gets his calls at break and lunch time so I knew it would be awhile before he called me back. Then I called my doctor's office and the nurse asked me if it was a test from the Dollar Store.  Why yes, it was.  I had gotten so tired of spending so much money on test after test, so I had bought a bunch at the dollar store.  She told me that sometimes they are not as reliable and advised me to go and get another test.  So I jetted off to Wal-Mart and bought a pack of 3.  Came home, did my thing again and right before my eyes 2 pink lines shot up.  My heart skipped a beat.  I still had not been able to talk to Brad but had been on the phone with my sister.  She was about as delighted as I was and thrilled to pieces.  I was a little worried that I had been bleeding about a week before but honestly thought that things would be ok.  My doctor wanted to see me as soon as possible so we set up an appointment for the next morning.  In the meantime she had me come in and do bloodwork to see where my levels were and also to check my progesterone level.  The rest of the day I didn't do too much other than smile! 

Tuesday morning as soon as my doctor walked into the room I could tell something was wrong.  I don't really remember exactly what she started out with but something like..."I'm so sorry, but things don't look good".  She said my HCG levels were way low (142) and my progesterone level was 1.2.  Had it been a healthy pregnancy my HCG levels should have been in the thousands and my progesterone level a LOT higher.  I sat there numb, not knowing what to say and think.  I honestly thought she would tell me that things are looking good and get this..I even had myself thinking maybe she would tell me that I was like 12 weeks along!!   Once again, my hopes and dreams were dashed in an instant.  She set up an appointment for bloodwork again in a few days and sent me on my way. 

I got in my car and the tears came in torrents.  I couldn't believe this was happening again.  When I got home, I went straight to bed and just cried for a while.  Tuesdays are the days I work at the auction so I decided to go, hoping maybe I could block it from my mind for a while.  WRONG.  I lasted about 2 hours before nearly breaking into tears a few times.  Thankfully, the people I work for are very understanding.  The next 2 days were spent on the recliner.  My heart was broken.  It;s hard to explain how I felt towards God.  Not really angry...just kinda offended that he didn't see our prayers for a baby as one to answer in the way we wanted.  Evenings when Brad came home from work he would just hold me as I cried and said over and over again about how sad I was.   Speaking of Brad....he has been amazing through all of this.  He has been so strong and yet crying with me.  Yet, there was a peace that wasn't there with the other 2 losses we had been through.  It's like we have so come to the place that we honestly want God's best for our lives.  That doesn't really make things any easier though.  I knew that if I didn't let myself grieve, be angry, sad etc...that one day it would be even harder to work through.  So for 2 days I did just that, and felt I was ready to move on.

Thursday morning I had another appointment for bloodwork and also a meeting with one of the doctors.  He refered me to a specialist and said that we will wait for my numbers to go back to zero and then their office would set up an appointment for me.  Thursday afternoon, his nurse called telling me that my numbers had gone up.  I was in total shock again.  WHAT?  It seemed like some kind of cruel joke.  It had been hard for me to believe that I was miscarrying because with my other 2 there had been sooo much pain and blood.  This time, it was just a day or 2 and nothing painful at all.  I had thought that maybe there was some blood there from implantation or something, but had also accepted the fact that from the looks of things, it was actually happening or had already happened.  So when the report came back I was shocked.  We thought maybe it could be that I was only a few days pregnant but had indeed miscarried one before.  We didn't know what was going on.  So it was back to the recliner for me with orders to come in for more bloodwork in a few days.

Meanwhile that Friday we got a call from our foster care agency wondering if we would take in 2 brothers.  A 10 month old and a 2 1/2 year old.  We talked about it but knew that with everything going on with me it just wasn't good timing.  I wouldn't have been able to care for them the first few days and I just didn't want to put them through that.  We said "No" but now I wish we would've taken them!  Hopefully we'll get another call before too  long.

Monday morning found me back at the doctors office.  By the way, I hate doing bloodwork.  They always have a hard time finding a good vein from me.  The nurse told me to call back around 2 to get the results.  When I called back, they informed me that my numbers were at 42.  So it definitely was a miscarriage.  I cried all over again.  The doctor talked to me about all kinds of things and was very patient in answering all of my questions.  We spent about 25 minutes on the phone.  When I got off of the phone, it was almost a sense of relief in a way.  It had been so hard for me to believe that things could actually be ok after all and I kinda knew in my gut that things wouldn't turn out right but it still was the finality of it all.

Yesterday I had bloodwork once again and my numbers are now at -1.  We plan on seeing a specialist to see what could be causing this.  Now that it is my 3rd miscarriage it is considered more of a diagnosis. "Habitual Aborter" is the word they use.  Sounds awful.  I hate the word ABORTION and it almost feels like that diagnosis makes me and my body an abortion machine.  From research I've done I am almost positive that it is a progesterone issue and from what I hear that is a pretty easy "fix". 

When I tell people that I am at peace with everything they question whether I am sincere.  I love being challenged like that, but I can't explain the peace that I have.  As much as I would love to be pregnant and bear a child from the fruit of my husband and I, I honestly feel like I have left it go.  That doesn't mean that there haven't been times when I am sad or cry or get angry.  We have been surrounded by SO many family and friends who have been praying for us and believing with us.  Alot of times these past few weeks I felt too angry and weak to pray and it felt so good to know there were people "standing in the gap" for us.  THANK YOU.  Yes, it still hits me and affects me, but honestly under it all, I feel carried and just at peace...

Fear...

This 4 letter word used to have such a grip on me.  But now, through a series of God teaching me things in all kinds of ways, I feel like, for the most part, I have conquered it.  Almost 2 years ago, Brad and I did the Take Back Your Life Seminar.  The session on fear hit me hard.  Then, last year in Sunday School, I was part of a great group of women who shared openly with each other.  One of the books we studied was called So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore.  I learned so many valuable truths through this class.  Insecurity is often fear based.  Brad has helped me with so many of my fears, by praying through them with me and gently correcting me.


But then there are nights like last night.  Out of nowhere, fear comes back.  Brad and I were laying in bed just chatting when all of a sudden I started sobbing.  That familiar thing called FEAR was gripping me so hard.  All I could think about was..."What if Brad would die".  That seems to be one of my biggest fears.  I think alot of my married friends feel the same way.  I couldn't control myself and Brad just held me as I cried.  He had no idea why I was crying until I finally gathered myself and told him what was going on.  I am so so blessed with such a patient loving husband.  He left me cry for a while.  And then, we prayed together, holding onto each other as hard as we could.   He prayed for me and my fears and I prayed and gave it all over to God once again.  I could physically feel relief after I gave it all up again.  The hardest thing to pray is that "I place my husband into your hands, Lord".  Yes, I pray for his physical safety, but in the end, I need to place him once again into the hands of his maker. 


Love is such a scary thing in a way.  It makes you feel so vulnerable to love someone so much.  In the book So Long Insecurity one paragraph goes like this...

     "I have always been afraid of losing my most cherished loved one.  When giving way to particularly advanced forms of self torment, I have even pictured myself at their caskets, (morbid, I know, but don't try to tell me you haven't done it).  But I never once pictured myself several years later, back on my feet to the Glory of God, heart sore and scarred, but pouring my life into hurting people.  Helping other people get through what I've gone through is redemption to me.  It's the only way on earth to plunder the pain."


This paragraph so says it exactly.  Yup, I have done that, and did again last night.  My mind was filled with thoughts like...what would my future look like without him, there's no way I could move on, what would I do with the house.  My head was spinning with fears that are not even founded.  What a good feeling though to know that God is in control.  Imagine trying to control the world and all within it.  As much as I like to be in control of things it feels so much better to give it all over to the one who knows best.

After praying, talking through things and connecting with my husband again...that big ole fear again took a hike!  I'm learning how to work though the fears in my life but am so thankful that they don't come around as often anymore!

This morning, things looked brighter!  There was a sweet note waiting on the counter from my husband, thanking me for all that I do for him and letting me know that I will be in his thoughts all day!  I had also gone out to the kitchen after Brad was asleep last night and stuck one in his lunch box so I thought it was kinda neat that we had each written notes to the other without knowing it. 

It feels like Spring is here to stay...the windows are wide open, birds are singing and my heart is at peace...

Ohhhh Reuben

Ok so before you start assuming there's a new man by the name of Reuben in my life...think again!  The only man in my life is my hubby dear!  Well..other than my dad and brothers and..ok you get the drift. 

So the sandwich Reuben always kinda grossed me out.  Then I discovered I LOVE sauerkraut and then one day when my hubby and I were out to eat, he ordered a Reuben.  When his sandwich came I persuaded him to let me try it.  OH MY WORD.  It was SO yummy!  Now, it's one of my favorite things to eat. 

A few months ago I came across a recipe for Reuben Casserole and thought I had to try it.  It was delish.  Last week, my hubby said "Hey, sometime when you need an idea for supper, make that good Reuben Casserole again".  I LOVE when he does that.  So often I ask him what I should make and he says..."Whatever you make, is absolutely fine with me".  I love that he's not picky and eats anything I make, but sometimes it would be good to know if he's hungry for anything in particular.  Since he suggested it, it went right on my menu plan.  Ok, in reality I don't have a menu plan per say but would love to be that organized.  But I do kinda plan them in my head.

 

Here's the recipe.  Super simple and so so yummy!

Spread a 2lb bag of sauerkraut (rinsed and drained) in bottom of lightly greased 9 X 13 pan

Put a layer of corned beef on top of sauerkraut

Spread dressing on this

Layer of swiss cheese

Scatter buttered Rye bread cubes over the cheese. 

Bake at 350* for about a half hour-45 minutes

My mom has been saying that they want to come for supper one of these nights so I called her and asked if they like Reubens.  She was totally into it, so we had guests for supper tonight.

I also made 2 pies.  Lemon sponge and a chocloate chess pie.  They were both so good and I was a teeny bit proud of myself! : )

This is all that was left of the Reuben Casserole by the end of the night.  Everyone loved it! 

RECIPE:

2 lb. bag or can of sauerkraut

1lb. cooked corned beef, sliced thin

1 cup Thousand Island Dressing

1lb.  Baby Swiss Cheese (thick slices)

12 slices Rye bread, buttered and cubed.

Lightly grease a 9 x 13 pan.  Rinse and drain the sauerkraut.  Spread on bottom of pan.

Layer the corned beef evenly over kraut

Spread the dressing over the beef, top with cheese slices

Scatter the bread cubes over the cheese.  Press down in pan

Bake at 350* until heated through, about 35-50 minutes.

ENJOY!

Catching my Breath

Our lives have been so busy the past few weeks and I feel like I finally have time to stop and catch my breath!  This will be quite a long post! 

First of all, like I had mentioned in my previous post, we had 3 children living with us for a while.  They ended up living here for about a month.  Talk about changing things overnight!  It was quite an adjustment going from just Brad and I to an instant family of 5!  I know now why so many of my friends say that at the end of the day all they want to do is lay in bed and be quiet!  It took effort for me to make sure that my "quality time loving" husband, got his quality time!  We talked about it alot, and he was very understanding.  The whole experience was good prep for the foster care process that will be coming our way in the next few weeks!  Speaking of that, we have finished our training classes and this week we have our individual interviews.  Then we need to have our home approved and then we wait for a call!  I am so glad that the bulk of it is finished. 

So Rosie came home from the hospital on a Thursday and she thought maybe it would be fun for the kids to be able to spend the weekend with her.  Brad and I had the weekend to ourselves and we did nothing other than relax and sleep in!  Sunday we picked up the children and they did not want to come home with us.  I sure didn't blame them.  I felt so bad to put them through the trauma of being shuffled around again, but Rosie just wasn't ready to have them with her full time yet. 

That week was tough.  The kids were each sick at some time or another.  We had planned to move them back permanently that Thursday but decided to do it Wednesday instead.  Wednesday morning I woke up to Merle throwing up all over the bathroom.  He spent the rest of the day on the couch and didn't want to eat anything all day.  I meanwhile was busy getting all their stuff together to move.  Thankfully Haley played by herself pretty good that day.  Around 11 I got a call from Brad that went something like this..."Hey Honey, don't freak out but I am on my way to the E.R in Ephrata".  Well, I of course "freaked out".  What's a wife supposed to do after all.  My day was packed full already and now my dear husband was in the E.R.  "Aunt Becky" (Friend of Rosie and I) came to the rescue because the last thing I felt like doing was packing up the kids and taking them to the E.R. with me especially with Merle being so sick.  She came to be with the children so I could go.  Brad ended up getting 7 stitches just above his knee.  He had been running a grinder thing at work and it kicked back into his knee.  He had some pain but the main thing was that he was not allowed to bend his knee untill the stitches get removed. 

The thing that made this worse was that this happened about 2 weeks after he had shot a nail through his hand!  That also required a trip to the E.R. and time off of work.  Then, after not being able to remember the last time he was sick, he got strep throat and was off of work for almost a week.  Now this.  Somehow God always provides though...

After I got him home, we got the kids all bathed and ready to go home.  They didn't know it but Rosie had a big welcome home party planned for them!  What fun they had with all their cousins.  They were so glad to be home again.  All but Merle....he was still sick and spent most of the evening laying on his Mom's bed.  He wanted to come back home with us, but I knew he would be fine.  Rosie gave us a Wii gaming thing for taking care of her children!  We definitely weren't expecting anything.  After lots of hugs to the kids, we left the party.  Brad knew he wasn't going to be working the next day because of his injury so we ended up staying up late and playing with our new toy!

Thursday morning, I headed down to my moms.  Brad and I planned on moving in there for a week to take care of my grandmother while my parents went to Florida.  My Mom's nephew was getting married and my parents needed the break!  My grandma had fallen the Sunday before and broke her arm in 2 places.  Her health had been declining the past month or 2 but this really sent her spiraling.  When I got to Mom's at 9:45, I knew Mommie didn't look good but my parents were still planning on going to Florida.  I knew they needed to get away so I reassured Mom that we would make sure Mommie was taken care of.  Hospice nurses were coming in to help with her care. 

About 30 minutes later when I went back in to check on my grandma, I noticed a huge difference in her breathing.  I told my mom that I think she is dying.  The nurse confirmed that she is really going down hill and could possibly die that day.  What a shock!  We called my dad and my aunt.  Till all was said and done, she passed into Glory about an hour later.  I was so so glad that I could be there by her side when she died.  She breathed hard for a while, then shallow breaths, closed her eyes, took another breath or 2, and was gone.  It was so peaceful.  The rest of the day was a blur of funeral plans, notifying family, and grieving.  My grandma had lived with my parents for 6 1/2 years and I have many many special memories of her. 

Most of my moms family was in Florida for the upcoming wedding.  We decided to wait until Tuesday to have the funeral.  Many of them had planned on spending the week after the wedding in Florida on vacation.  My brother and his family were there and hadn't planned to come home until Saturday after the wedding.  My brother and 2 of my cousins ended up flying home just for the funeral and then back to Florida to their families. 

My grandma had all of her funeral plans made.  Long ago, she had made her clothing to be buried in.  She was still Old Order Amish and typically, they get buried in the clothes that they got married in.  My grandma had made all new clothes.  She had them in a box with the label "Death Clothes".

Inside the box, she had everything neatly arranged. 

There was also a baggie with a note and a hankie in it.  The note read:

"Girls, Fold this hankie in my hand like my Sister Naomi.  Yes, I put her hankie in her hand. How we cried when we visited"

My grandma's sister Naomi passed away a few years ago.  She was my grandmas closest sister.  Their husbands were the first to die in their family, so of her many sisters, they shared common struggles.  My grandma had also made many of her grandaughters hankies to use at her funeral.  I remember when she gave mine to me a few years ago.  She embroidered black around the edge of a white hankie.  I had hoped to never have to use it...

The funeral service itself was beautiful.  Yes, it was Old Order Amish, but I loved the whole cultural aspect of it.  They were so so nice to us and worked with us well in having things the way Mommie wanted it.  She had in her plans that she would like to have a certain preacher from Ohio preach at her funeral.  They arranged it and he spoke a powerful sermon.  Most of it was in Dutch but I could understand lots of it.  He spoke on the Holy Spirit and how wihtout the Holy Spirit in your life "It shofts net" (It doesn't work).  I was so surprised to hear such a sermon from an Old Order Amish preacher.

I took a few pics at the graveside.  I kept my camera in my coat pocket and snuck a few pics when no one was looking!

Her funeral was a week ago today.  I still can't believe that she's gone.  It still seems like she should be sitting on the couch at her usual spot at my parents.  Every time I would walk in the door, she would greet me with "Well hello there Miss America"!   She will be greatly missed...

This week my mom started going through some of her things.  Most of her stuff was sold at auction before she moved in with my parents.  Mom gave me this piece of furniture and told me that Mommie wanted me to have it.  I was one of her namesakes and she had things put aside for us.  I will always think of her when I see it...

Looking back over the past 2 weeks, I so see God's hand in it.  The timing of Mommie's homegoing was perfect after all. 

1.I am so thankful that we moved the children home on Wednesday because I would have had to try and do that after Mommie died. 

2.  My parents were not on the bus in the way to Florida when she died.  I can't imagine if Mommie would've died and I would've been there alone with her.

3.  Yes, it was inconvenient timing because of the wedding, and yet, that gave us time to have her body at my parents house on Sunday.  Mom had always wanted to have more of an informal viewing there. Many of our church family and friends were there on Sunday and it was alot more personal.

4.  My dad was not pressured with work.  He didn't have any work planned that week, thinking they would be in Florida!

While we will miss Mommie so much, we are so glad she's in a better place.  It is so good to see the stress lifted off of my mom.  She had alot to deal with in taking care of her mother especially in the past few months.  Wilma and I are so glad to have "our Mom" back!  It's fun to see my parents with an empty nest for the first time.  I am so thankful for the many, many memories I have of her...

New Year...New Beginnings

This post is long overdue seeing it's pert near the end of January.  I make no apologies though because you all have been warned of my procrastinating tendancies!

I love the magic of New Year's Eve.  The thing that at the stroke of midnight there is a New Year.  2011.  Can you believe it?  I distinctly remember 2000.  Y2K.  Whatever you want to call it.  Oh my word, we all thought the world was going to end.  My parents didn't stock up on food, emergency supplies etc, and I wasn't really big into computers yet.  But it was still that tiny little thought..."What is going to happen at midnight"?  But it came and went just like thousands before.  No great computer glitch, no lightning bolt, nothing.  Just a silent night broken by cheers and gunshots.  Maybe it was a little quieter than other years because everyone was on edge.  All I remember was that I was with my youth group and we were having a blast!

So fast forward 11 years.  New Years Eve.  I had to work Friday morning and then decided to work at the auction as well.  On holidays we have special antique auctions and I often don't work because they are usually on a day that I have to work at my other job.  Normally these auctions start at 8:00 a.m. and are usually over 3ish or 4.  Well, not this one.  It went till after 6.  After working all day I really didn't feel like dashing home, getting a finger food ready, getting myself ready and zipping out the door.  There were a few New Years parties we were invited to but we still hadn't really made up our mind which one we were going to go to.  So I called up my hubby and asked him if he would care if we just stayed home.  He was totally for it, and said he'll stop for Chinese and a movie.  Sounds good to me!

We feasted on Chinese and watched a movie.  Can't remember what it was though!   Around 10:00 I started to feel very, very old.  This just isn't right thought I.  No party New Years Eve?  So I came up with a plan.  My hubby went right along with it.  We got dressed in grungy, mismatched clothing and headed out.

The first house we came to was dark.  Not a party in sight.  After a call to my mom we found out the host of the party was very sick and the party was canceled.  So we headed to my sisters house.  YAY!  A party!  There were lots of my "old" friends there, although I don't think they knew what to think of us!  We stayed a little and headed on...

The next house (Brad's cousins) was full of men and children.  The ladies had excused themselves and headed out to do some mischief, but I didn't tell you that!

From there we went to Brad's aunts house.  We were hoping to be there by midnight.  Brad knew that there would be guns.  He likes guns.  Me...not so much!  We got there around 11:30, shot the New Year in and headed back home.  So that was the beginning of 2011.  We started off the New Year with funny memories and a not so old feeling!!!

  

I'm not much for New Years resolutions.  It's the kind of thing where you think of some things that would be great but after a while it wears off!  This year was no different.  Brad and I talked about the past year and what we thought would be different about the next.  2010 was rather uneventful for us.  Lots of things happened, but after the pregnancies and miscarriages in 2009, 2010 seemed uneventful.   The thought that this year, Lord willing, we will become parents (through foster care) is so SO exciting for us!  We have been praying even now about the children that God will place in our home.  Maybe they will be here for a day, week, month, year or forever but either way, we're open to whatever/whomever God sends our way.  Sure we still would love to have our own biological children someday but realize that this may be God's way of starting our family.

Another exciting thing is my health.  I debated and debated about writing about this on here but realize it's a way for me to be accountable.  For years I have been wanting to lose weight but always felt healthy so I never really stuck with anything.  This past year though, I have started to feel unhealthy.   I weigh more than I ever have.   I gained about 20-30 pounds after my 2nd miscarriage and didn't really care.   Sad, I know.  I finally sat my hubby down and got on the scale in front of him and begged for his help!  He loves me just as I am, but he also wants me to be healthy too.  He promised me that he would help me and encourage me in my journey.  After talking about stuff I decided to join a gym.  Planet Fitness was offering a great deal for January.  I thought I would probably be sick of it after a few days but it's kinda opposite for me!  It's getting addictive!  I stop on my way home from work.  Started out about 20 minutes on the elliptical and thought I was going to die!  Now I'm at 35 minutes on the treadmill.  Walking/running.  I've been going for over 2 weeks now and so far I love it.  Today I had to "force" myself to go, but after I was there and started, I kept going and going longer than I ever had.  Next week I want to push myself to 45 minutes and then an hour.  It took me a while to get over feeling self concious about sweating and puffing in a roomful of people, but Brad kept encouraging me and told me that people should be proud of me for getting moving!  Everyone's in their own little world anyway! 

The eating thing is a little bit of a challenge because I love to "snack".  But I've been getting healthy snacks.  Almonds, granola, yogurt etc.  Diets have never really worked for me because after they were over, I went right back to old habits.  This time, I want to make more of a lifestyle change.  Yes, still eat chocolate every now and then, but not like before.  If I deprive myself totally, I'll just want it more.  Wow....all of a sudden I'm starting to feel vulnerable!  Kinda laying it all out there.  One of my fears of writing about this is that the next time "you" see me,
"you" will say..."Oh my...how much did you lose" etc.....I don't want "you" to feel obligated to see changes in me.  Hopefully that will happen soon enough.  For the record, I lost 4 pounds.  YAY!  Was hoping to have lost more in 2 weeks, but I'll take it.  So the point is, "you" will not notice things change right away!  I will take any tips and pointers you may have about what has worked for you!

So here's to new beginnings and a healthier me!