Catching Up

It's a quiet morning....

The birds are filling the air with praises and my washer is humming away.  Buses are pulling into the school across the street and I hear the sounds of kids talking on their way to school.  I typically am not a "morning person", but lately, have found a beauty in it.   I got up at 5:30 to use the restroom and had every intention of going back to bed till at least 8 or 9 but thought I would take advantage of the cool morning air and get my cleaning done and laundry started.  Maybe I'll take time for a forenoon nap!

Brad has been gone this past week to Alabama.  He is helping to clean up the damage that fierce tornadoes have left behind.  He's been on quite a few work trips in his day and he says he has never seen anything worse.  The devastation is so widespread.  He said it feels like they didn't even make a dent in the damage around them.  How much we have to be thankful for.  Last night there was a tornado watch in our area and as the dark clouds rolled in and then passed us by with only a shower, I thought about how it would feel to lose everything.  Sure, a house, pictures, heirlooms, etc are all "things" but it still would bring such a sense of loss, let alone if you lost your spouse, siblings, children or other family members.

With Brad gone, I've been kept busy.  I thought it would be great to be at home a few days with nothing to do and nowhere to go but it has not happened!  It's made my week fly by though.  On Wednesday, I got a call from our agency asking if we would take a little boy and girl.  They are currently with foster parents but the family they are with, already have a few other adopted children and with summer coming on, feel busy with these young ones.  I'm told they are an older couple and that the boy (J) "asks a lot of questions and has lots of energy".  I really don't know what we're in for but we're up to the challenge!  They told me the children would come next week or possibly Friday.  After finding out Brad was away, much to my relief,  they decided to go for next week.   Since Monday is a holiday and the offices are closed, we will be picking them up on Tuesday.  I would've been ok with getting them Friday (today) but it is just so much better if Brad can be there the first day they are here. 

I love having this time to prepare and get ready for the adjustments sure to come.  I know it's pretty rare to have such notice ahead of time.  Often, the children get placed within a few hours or a day or 2 at the latest.  Having a week, feels to me, like being pregnant!  Minus the bloating, hormones, cravings etc!  I told my sister it's almost like we had an ultrasound now and can start preparing more extensively.  There were some things we were waiting to buy and get ready until we knew the ages, and sex of the children we will be getting.  Now I could go out and buy bedding, toys, etc.  I'm hoping to get lucky at some yard sales this weekend.  We have pretty much everything, but would like to have some more toys for outside since it's warmer now.

It's weird how I love these kids already and have never met them.  Yes, I know it will have it's days and I know that raising foster children has it's own set of unique challenges, but at the same time, we are so ready for this.  There's a pretty good chance that we could eventually adopt the girl (A), but her 1/2 brother (J) will probably be going to live with his father in a few months.  I know we are in for sleepless nights, no more quiet times around the house, etc, but this house has been quiet for so long.  I'm ready for the sound of little feet running around even though it means I'll be sweeping the floor every day instead of once a week or so like I do now!   Brad is so excited too and can't wait to get home.  We plan on spending Saturday and Monday putting up beds, finishing our toybox and garden shed, and doing our mulching and lots of other outside stuff so it's done and we can concentrate on the kids and their needs.

This week I also met with a specialist to talk about possible testing because of all these miscarriages.  Our meeting was about an hour and after discussing it with Brad, we're going to pursue at least some testing to see if we can get answers.  Yesterday they did bloodwork.  There was a long row of vials of my blood on the counter when they were finished!  Next week on Wednesday they will be doing some kind of test where they put a catheter in my uterus and fill it with saline to see if there are any abnormalities there.  I am soo not looking forward to it especially since it will be the day after we get the children.  The test has to be done that day (a certain number of days into your cycle).  My mom or sister or both will be here to be with the children or Brad will take off of work.  We're waiting to see what the children are like before we decide for sure.  The whole testing process looks overwhelming to me and yet at the same time, it will be nice to hopefully know what is causing the miscarriages.

So, knowing all the changes about to descend upon me, I'm going to enjoy these quiet mornings and days while I can.  And yet, I can't wait for this phase of life headed our way!

Grief...Once Again

Grief..this word is becoming all too real to me.  It seems like there has been so much of it in my life lately. 

Monday, April 4th, something prompted me to take a pregnancy test.  Maybe it was the fact that I was feeling yucky, maybe it was the fact that a week before, my "period" had only lasted 1 day, I don't know.  But finally, I took one.  I did my duty, left it lay on the sink and went about my morning chores.  Then I remembered...and went to look.  There before my eyes were 2, yes 2, pink lines.  So many times in the past year there had been only 1 line and I just thought it would be that way again.  I burst into tears and left a message on my hubby's phone.  He only gets his calls at break and lunch time so I knew it would be awhile before he called me back. Then I called my doctor's office and the nurse asked me if it was a test from the Dollar Store.  Why yes, it was.  I had gotten so tired of spending so much money on test after test, so I had bought a bunch at the dollar store.  She told me that sometimes they are not as reliable and advised me to go and get another test.  So I jetted off to Wal-Mart and bought a pack of 3.  Came home, did my thing again and right before my eyes 2 pink lines shot up.  My heart skipped a beat.  I still had not been able to talk to Brad but had been on the phone with my sister.  She was about as delighted as I was and thrilled to pieces.  I was a little worried that I had been bleeding about a week before but honestly thought that things would be ok.  My doctor wanted to see me as soon as possible so we set up an appointment for the next morning.  In the meantime she had me come in and do bloodwork to see where my levels were and also to check my progesterone level.  The rest of the day I didn't do too much other than smile! 

Tuesday morning as soon as my doctor walked into the room I could tell something was wrong.  I don't really remember exactly what she started out with but something like..."I'm so sorry, but things don't look good".  She said my HCG levels were way low (142) and my progesterone level was 1.2.  Had it been a healthy pregnancy my HCG levels should have been in the thousands and my progesterone level a LOT higher.  I sat there numb, not knowing what to say and think.  I honestly thought she would tell me that things are looking good and get this..I even had myself thinking maybe she would tell me that I was like 12 weeks along!!   Once again, my hopes and dreams were dashed in an instant.  She set up an appointment for bloodwork again in a few days and sent me on my way. 

I got in my car and the tears came in torrents.  I couldn't believe this was happening again.  When I got home, I went straight to bed and just cried for a while.  Tuesdays are the days I work at the auction so I decided to go, hoping maybe I could block it from my mind for a while.  WRONG.  I lasted about 2 hours before nearly breaking into tears a few times.  Thankfully, the people I work for are very understanding.  The next 2 days were spent on the recliner.  My heart was broken.  It;s hard to explain how I felt towards God.  Not really angry...just kinda offended that he didn't see our prayers for a baby as one to answer in the way we wanted.  Evenings when Brad came home from work he would just hold me as I cried and said over and over again about how sad I was.   Speaking of Brad....he has been amazing through all of this.  He has been so strong and yet crying with me.  Yet, there was a peace that wasn't there with the other 2 losses we had been through.  It's like we have so come to the place that we honestly want God's best for our lives.  That doesn't really make things any easier though.  I knew that if I didn't let myself grieve, be angry, sad etc...that one day it would be even harder to work through.  So for 2 days I did just that, and felt I was ready to move on.

Thursday morning I had another appointment for bloodwork and also a meeting with one of the doctors.  He refered me to a specialist and said that we will wait for my numbers to go back to zero and then their office would set up an appointment for me.  Thursday afternoon, his nurse called telling me that my numbers had gone up.  I was in total shock again.  WHAT?  It seemed like some kind of cruel joke.  It had been hard for me to believe that I was miscarrying because with my other 2 there had been sooo much pain and blood.  This time, it was just a day or 2 and nothing painful at all.  I had thought that maybe there was some blood there from implantation or something, but had also accepted the fact that from the looks of things, it was actually happening or had already happened.  So when the report came back I was shocked.  We thought maybe it could be that I was only a few days pregnant but had indeed miscarried one before.  We didn't know what was going on.  So it was back to the recliner for me with orders to come in for more bloodwork in a few days.

Meanwhile that Friday we got a call from our foster care agency wondering if we would take in 2 brothers.  A 10 month old and a 2 1/2 year old.  We talked about it but knew that with everything going on with me it just wasn't good timing.  I wouldn't have been able to care for them the first few days and I just didn't want to put them through that.  We said "No" but now I wish we would've taken them!  Hopefully we'll get another call before too  long.

Monday morning found me back at the doctors office.  By the way, I hate doing bloodwork.  They always have a hard time finding a good vein from me.  The nurse told me to call back around 2 to get the results.  When I called back, they informed me that my numbers were at 42.  So it definitely was a miscarriage.  I cried all over again.  The doctor talked to me about all kinds of things and was very patient in answering all of my questions.  We spent about 25 minutes on the phone.  When I got off of the phone, it was almost a sense of relief in a way.  It had been so hard for me to believe that things could actually be ok after all and I kinda knew in my gut that things wouldn't turn out right but it still was the finality of it all.

Yesterday I had bloodwork once again and my numbers are now at -1.  We plan on seeing a specialist to see what could be causing this.  Now that it is my 3rd miscarriage it is considered more of a diagnosis. "Habitual Aborter" is the word they use.  Sounds awful.  I hate the word ABORTION and it almost feels like that diagnosis makes me and my body an abortion machine.  From research I've done I am almost positive that it is a progesterone issue and from what I hear that is a pretty easy "fix". 

When I tell people that I am at peace with everything they question whether I am sincere.  I love being challenged like that, but I can't explain the peace that I have.  As much as I would love to be pregnant and bear a child from the fruit of my husband and I, I honestly feel like I have left it go.  That doesn't mean that there haven't been times when I am sad or cry or get angry.  We have been surrounded by SO many family and friends who have been praying for us and believing with us.  Alot of times these past few weeks I felt too angry and weak to pray and it felt so good to know there were people "standing in the gap" for us.  THANK YOU.  Yes, it still hits me and affects me, but honestly under it all, I feel carried and just at peace...

New Year...New Beginnings

This post is long overdue seeing it's pert near the end of January.  I make no apologies though because you all have been warned of my procrastinating tendancies!

I love the magic of New Year's Eve.  The thing that at the stroke of midnight there is a New Year.  2011.  Can you believe it?  I distinctly remember 2000.  Y2K.  Whatever you want to call it.  Oh my word, we all thought the world was going to end.  My parents didn't stock up on food, emergency supplies etc, and I wasn't really big into computers yet.  But it was still that tiny little thought..."What is going to happen at midnight"?  But it came and went just like thousands before.  No great computer glitch, no lightning bolt, nothing.  Just a silent night broken by cheers and gunshots.  Maybe it was a little quieter than other years because everyone was on edge.  All I remember was that I was with my youth group and we were having a blast!

So fast forward 11 years.  New Years Eve.  I had to work Friday morning and then decided to work at the auction as well.  On holidays we have special antique auctions and I often don't work because they are usually on a day that I have to work at my other job.  Normally these auctions start at 8:00 a.m. and are usually over 3ish or 4.  Well, not this one.  It went till after 6.  After working all day I really didn't feel like dashing home, getting a finger food ready, getting myself ready and zipping out the door.  There were a few New Years parties we were invited to but we still hadn't really made up our mind which one we were going to go to.  So I called up my hubby and asked him if he would care if we just stayed home.  He was totally for it, and said he'll stop for Chinese and a movie.  Sounds good to me!

We feasted on Chinese and watched a movie.  Can't remember what it was though!   Around 10:00 I started to feel very, very old.  This just isn't right thought I.  No party New Years Eve?  So I came up with a plan.  My hubby went right along with it.  We got dressed in grungy, mismatched clothing and headed out.

The first house we came to was dark.  Not a party in sight.  After a call to my mom we found out the host of the party was very sick and the party was canceled.  So we headed to my sisters house.  YAY!  A party!  There were lots of my "old" friends there, although I don't think they knew what to think of us!  We stayed a little and headed on...

The next house (Brad's cousins) was full of men and children.  The ladies had excused themselves and headed out to do some mischief, but I didn't tell you that!

From there we went to Brad's aunts house.  We were hoping to be there by midnight.  Brad knew that there would be guns.  He likes guns.  Me...not so much!  We got there around 11:30, shot the New Year in and headed back home.  So that was the beginning of 2011.  We started off the New Year with funny memories and a not so old feeling!!!

  

I'm not much for New Years resolutions.  It's the kind of thing where you think of some things that would be great but after a while it wears off!  This year was no different.  Brad and I talked about the past year and what we thought would be different about the next.  2010 was rather uneventful for us.  Lots of things happened, but after the pregnancies and miscarriages in 2009, 2010 seemed uneventful.   The thought that this year, Lord willing, we will become parents (through foster care) is so SO exciting for us!  We have been praying even now about the children that God will place in our home.  Maybe they will be here for a day, week, month, year or forever but either way, we're open to whatever/whomever God sends our way.  Sure we still would love to have our own biological children someday but realize that this may be God's way of starting our family.

Another exciting thing is my health.  I debated and debated about writing about this on here but realize it's a way for me to be accountable.  For years I have been wanting to lose weight but always felt healthy so I never really stuck with anything.  This past year though, I have started to feel unhealthy.   I weigh more than I ever have.   I gained about 20-30 pounds after my 2nd miscarriage and didn't really care.   Sad, I know.  I finally sat my hubby down and got on the scale in front of him and begged for his help!  He loves me just as I am, but he also wants me to be healthy too.  He promised me that he would help me and encourage me in my journey.  After talking about stuff I decided to join a gym.  Planet Fitness was offering a great deal for January.  I thought I would probably be sick of it after a few days but it's kinda opposite for me!  It's getting addictive!  I stop on my way home from work.  Started out about 20 minutes on the elliptical and thought I was going to die!  Now I'm at 35 minutes on the treadmill.  Walking/running.  I've been going for over 2 weeks now and so far I love it.  Today I had to "force" myself to go, but after I was there and started, I kept going and going longer than I ever had.  Next week I want to push myself to 45 minutes and then an hour.  It took me a while to get over feeling self concious about sweating and puffing in a roomful of people, but Brad kept encouraging me and told me that people should be proud of me for getting moving!  Everyone's in their own little world anyway! 

The eating thing is a little bit of a challenge because I love to "snack".  But I've been getting healthy snacks.  Almonds, granola, yogurt etc.  Diets have never really worked for me because after they were over, I went right back to old habits.  This time, I want to make more of a lifestyle change.  Yes, still eat chocolate every now and then, but not like before.  If I deprive myself totally, I'll just want it more.  Wow....all of a sudden I'm starting to feel vulnerable!  Kinda laying it all out there.  One of my fears of writing about this is that the next time "you" see me,
"you" will say..."Oh my...how much did you lose" etc.....I don't want "you" to feel obligated to see changes in me.  Hopefully that will happen soon enough.  For the record, I lost 4 pounds.  YAY!  Was hoping to have lost more in 2 weeks, but I'll take it.  So the point is, "you" will not notice things change right away!  I will take any tips and pointers you may have about what has worked for you!

So here's to new beginnings and a healthier me!