This Thing Called Parenting & Girls Night Out

So it may come as no surprise to many of you that everything I thought I knew about parenting is pretty much thrown out the window.  Yes, there are lots of things I've learned in my years of being a nanny and teaching school that definitely get applied to the way I parent and yet no one could have prepared me for what it really was like.  You see, in the years of nannying and teaching and even the countless times I took care of my neices and nephews and thought up all kinds of fun stuff to do with them, there always came a time when they returned to the ones who "parented" them.  But now?  Now, I am that parent.  With these precious souls there is no returning them to the ones who parent them, because it's me.  Well, me and the man I could not do this without. Seriously, I have no idea how single moms do it.

Speaking of "the man"...last weekend we decided to put the kids in respite.  The agency we are with says we can do that once a month.  We thought it would be best to try and not use it especially while they are still adjusting, but after a crazy week we went ahead with plans.  It was definitely the right choice.  The kids missed us and we talked to them every night assuring them we would pick them up on Sunday.  My man and I enjoyed just lounging around, sleeping in, going out to eat and just making sure we were still on the same page on all kinds of stuff.  Friday night we went to Ichiban, a Japanese Steak House, for dinner.  I got sushi for an appetizer and we enjoyed a lovely meal with fun entertainment too!  Saturday night we met our friends at AppleBees at 10:00!  Normally we would be in bed by that time but hey, why not live it up!  Such a fun refreshing weekend we had.  And it was good to see the kids again!

It used to annoy me when Moms would complain and get frustrated with their kids especially when they had a hard time getting pregnant or having kids.  To be honest, it still kinda annoys me and yet, I am definitely a little more sympathetic towards mothers in general!  I feel it is important to spend time with your children and I do not want to put them at a sitter too often, even if it is Ma-Ma, but sometimes we as mothers just need a break.  I am fast realizing how refreshing even an hour of alone time can be.  Yes, I know that we just jumped right into parenting without the 9 month prep but it is the role we chose, and the ministry we feel called too so we (I) need to "suck it up" and realize that my time of being alone and having things the way I like it is over.  Notice all the "I's" in this paragraph.  Motherhood brings out the selfish side of me.  I am realizing more and more how hard it is to lay aside the things that "I" want to do and tend to the needs of my children, even if there are lots of other things that seem more important at the time.

Yesterday, I was supposed to have a root canal done so my dear Mom came and picked up my children.  My appointment was pretty early in the morning and I would've had to wake them up to take them down.  And while I'm at it, can I just say that I pretty much have the most amazing mom ever?  She comes up every Tuesday and hangs out with them while I work at the auction and is always ready and willing to help in whatever way she can.  These kids of mine have stolen her heart and she is an amazing Ma-Ma!  Anway, back to the root canal.  It never happened!  After my consultation the Dr. said she would suggest pulling the tooth because it is cracked and a root canal wouldn't take care of the problem.  My dentist won't be impressed, but that is definitely what I am going to do.  The tooth is in the bottom in the back and no body will notice if I get it pulled.  I would 10 times rather be knocked out and get it pulled than do through the trauma of a root canal.  So after my root canal that didn't happen I came home and got some things taken care of.  Mom said the kids were fine and having fun so I took advantage of the alone time and did some shopping.  One of my stops was a Christian Book Store.  I realized the other day that in about every stage of life I have been in, I have read books relating to it.  Like when I was teaching, I read books on teaching, when I was single, I read books on how to deal with that.  The same with dating and then marriage.  Suddenly it dawned on me that I possessed not one book about parenting.  So I bought a few books that seemed to be filled with tips and advice for mothers.  Ahhh well now, that should make it all better! (yeah right). Would love to have you guys tell me the best book on parenting you've read!  I know that parenting foster kids is different in a way, but alot of things are still the same.

Last night I went with a group of ladies to this darling cafe to celebrate a birthday.  This particular group of ladies is not made up of friends that I grew up with but when we get together it has that comfy feel.  You know, the kind of feeling that you can open your mouth and say anything and you won't get judged?  Yeah, that one.  There is no better kind of friend, I am convinced.

The ever famous tomatoe pie was actually quite good although I was quite happy with my Turkey Panini.  Some of us gals who wanted to try the Tomatoe Pie but weren't quite brave enough to have it as our meal, bought a piece to share.  It really was yummy.  So was the cupcake I had for dessert!!!

I find these evenings even more refreshing now that I am a mother myself.  It was nice to sit with other mothers and share frustrations and tips and advice.  Not all of the group were mothers but everyone participated in the lively conversation.  A few of us are also foster/adoptive mothers so it was good to get that perspective as well. 

After last evening, I decided I needed to be much more consistent in things.  When I say "No", that's exactly what it means.  It's been quite an exhuasting day to say the least.  I think Miss A had at least 15-20 time outs.  Mostly for saying things like "I'm not listening" and "No" when she was told she was not allowed to have candy or watch a movie etc.  I promptly put her in time out without a warning each and every time.  It was exhausting and draining and I told Brad it takes more energy to remain calm than it does to just deal with stuff like I would want to!  By the end of the day though, it was amazing how they started listening right away without complaining.  Hopefully tomorrow and the next day I can stick with it and give these kids the security they need.  There is such security in boundries and guidelines and kids thrive in that. 

Well, this post has been long enough and it's time to join my hubby in bed.  This was written in the course of the day so there are probably plenty of errors!  I have so much I want to blog about and it's so frustrating that I can't blog about all the memories we are making with our kids.  It kinda makes me want to yell at the big bad caseworker person and say "FINE, I JUST WON'T BLOG THEN" (as if they care if I blog or not!).  In reality our caseworker is very sweet and when I think about how it probably is protecting the kids I can't help but comply.  Maybe someday when we can really call them our own, I'll catch you up on their history with us in pics!  For now, it's good-night...

Meltdowns and Garden Sheds

Oh my, people...how my life has changed!  I wish I had time to blog about my days every day.  Truth is, I rarely get on facebook more than once a day now.  Gone are the days of sleeping in, surfing the web, playing swag buck games, reading blogs, taking a nap, watching a movie, meeting my friends for lunch/coffee,  relaxing by the pool and the list goes on.  Sure, I watch movies...only now it's Thomas and Dora!  Relaxing by the pool...doesn't really happen because a certain little lady would dive right in if I didn't keep an eye on her.  Sleeping in...that's getting better, the 6:00 wake up time has stretched to about 7:30.  I set my alarm for 7 and try and get in some Bible Reading and Prayer before little ones join me. 

I'm not complaining though.  These children have become such a blessing to Brad and I.  We really do have it made.  Because they were in another foster home before coming to our home, I know that alot of work went into helping them.  In conversations with their previous foster mother who tells me they spoke only Spanish, ate with their hands, and were "wild", I know we are blessed.  They are very polite, eat well, play together nicely and go to bed without a fuss (most times)!

Sure I've had an occassional meltdown or 2 and spent an evening or 2 crying in my room after Brad gets home.  Just keepin' it real people.  My dear patient husband has been so understanding and is so so supportive.  Saturdays, he keeps the kids entertained while I sleep in and then doesn't mind if they follow him around all day asking him all kinds of questions, while I get my cleaning done and just bask in the silence!  I think that has been one of the biggest adjustments again.  The constant chattering, noisy playing, music going, lots of "Why" and if an answer doesn't satisfy.."But Mom...WHY?"  To say that one of my favorite times of the day is naptime is an understatement.  That's when I should be napping, but like to catch up on reading blogs, facebook and get some work done and just be quiet! 

I've learned a few things in the past few weeks.  If I set aside about an hour in the morning to play games, read books etc. they entertain themselves well the rest of the morning.  Sure there are other things I would rather be doing, and feel like I need to get done, but that hour fills up their love tank for a while.  I also feel like we are finally in a routine.  The bed doesn't have to be made perfectly, the table doesn't have to be set exactly, the washcloths don't have to be in a perfect square, the fact that they love to help and are showing responsibility is worth it!

We've done all kinds of fun things the past few weeks and I wish so so bad I could share pictures with you all.  I think that is one of the reasons I don't blog that much anymore.  I am such a picture person and love to write about all we did.  Maybe I can fnd a way to be able to do both.  The agency we are with stressed over and over again that we may not put pics of any kind on the web.  We've done things like Oregon Dairy Farm Days, seeing Thomas, pool parties, weekly library trips, campfires, days at the park, etc. 

The children have adjusted well and are fitting in so good with our church family and extended families.  This week we had Bible School and the children were so excited to go every night.  I was at a different location teaching the older girls and Brad was busy running sound, but the children had no problem finding their friends and doing ok without Mommy and Daddy nearby.

So now it's Friday and then the weekend.  Weekends are so looked forward to now for sure because Brad is here to help out and give me a break.  We are looking forward to family night tonight and a party with friends here tomorrow night!

The past few weeks, Brad spent hours building a garden shed from our barnwood.  It looks even better than I pictured in my head!  I've got a bunch of perennials waiting to get planted around it this weekend.  So thankful to have a hubby who enjoys making all kinds of stuff that his wife dreams up!

Later....

"Mommy"

I've been called "Mommy" a handful of times in my lifetime.  Over the years of teaching school it would come out of a students mouth when they needed something or wanted to show me something and then they would get a funny look on their face when they realized what they had said.  My nieces and nephews have also called me mom a time or 2 and when the Leid kiddos were living here I was addressed as "Mommy" every now and then before they realized it!  It was always "by mistake".

Yesterday (Tuesday), Brad and I picked up the most adorable little girl and boy and now, I get called "Mommy" countless times a day.  I have even started addressing myself as that.  We have entered the world of foster parenting.  We are hoping to adopt these dear little children sometime in the future.  As of now it looks very hopeful that "A" will become our daughter someday. 

Yesterday as we ripped her from the arms of her present foster mother my heart was breaking.  Her cries of terror and anger were almost more than I could handle.  I just wanted to gather her into my arms and hug her cares away.  At the time, I was the "bad guy" taking her away from her Mommy.  Finally, her foster mom left and it was us and the caseworkers.   She was still sobbing, heartbroken, while her brother sat quietly in his car seat waiting on his next adventure.  I wonder what was going through his little mind.  He had just had an hour visit with his birth father and now was leaving the home he had known for the last 6 months and now was headed to be in the care of some strangers.  He just sat there quietly, not saying a word, with Brad and waited on the rest of us.

Pretty soon we seen that things were not going to get any better and we should just try leaving.  The caseworker put her into her car seat and strapped her in, as she was kicking and screaming the whole time.  I sat in the front seat quietly crying while Brad held my hand.  As soon as we left the driveway, her sobs quieted and the rest of the way home she just did the whole sighing sobbing thing.  It was almost as if she was just resigned to her fate. 

We didn't say too much on the 20 minute ride home and when we got here they were busy running around exploring everything.  The home they came from sent a few tubs of clothing and toys along and I put stuff away and got organized while Brad played with the kids. Most of the day "A" asked "Where my Mommy", and I would tell her that she's going to live here now.  She didn't say anything but would just go on playing.  I wonder what was going through her mind.

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Wow...shows how busy my life really is!  The above was typed and ready to go but I wanted to go over it some more before I posted it.  Now, it's Monday.  Tomorrow it will be a week since these kiddos have joined our home!  Gone are my days of surfing the web, sleeping in, staying up late etc!  These guys sure keep me busy.  They get up around 6 or 6:30 every morning, so I have been getting to bed early so I can function in the morning!  Yesterday was Sunday and as soon as we put the kids down for naps, Brad sent me to bed as well.  They only slept around an hour and a half but he didn't let them wake me until I had been sleeping for 2 1/2 hours.  I so needed that long nap.  It seemed like the whole week just caught up with me.

Brad has been the most amazing daddy.  He does so well with them.  "Mommy, where Daddy" is a phrase I hear a couple of times a day.  After the weekend we had with them getting all kinds of daddy's attention, I know I'll hear it countless times again today!  It seems the children are adjusting well and we are loving them so much and they bring so much joy to our home.  Yes, there are things that I miss about life a week ago, but I sure wouldn't trade it!  I have been snapping pics of them left and right and so wish I could show you all, but the law forbids us from putting any kids of pics of them on the web.  You'll just have to meet them in person to see how cute they really are!

Well, I'm off to start my day!  Pretty soon I'll hear little feet coming down the hall and someone will want some snuggle time.  I think that's my favorite time of the day...when they wake up in the morning or from naps and want to snuggle.  Or maybe it's when we're tucking them in and they each want a hug and a kiss, or maybe it's at supper when all they want to do is chatter, or maybe it's at family time when we teach them new songs and their little voices just sing, or maybe it's when they're playing and all of a sudden "J" will say..."I love you Mommy". 

It's so weird how in an instant I became a "Mommy".  The one whom these children look to for love and help and everything else.  They are so dependent on me. The other times that I was called "Mommy" was a "mistake" and never really intentional, but now I really am a Mommy and I am loving it!

Latest Projects

I have been busy the last month or so finally finishing up some projects that I had sitting around!  I bought this set of night stands at the auction for a dollar.

One was missing a shelf and one had a string for a handle and the other had no handle.

The tops were moldy and gross!

So I got out my trusty sander and cleaning bucket and got to work.  Then, there they sat.  Month after month waiting on me to finish what I started.  Soon they made the journey to the basment from the shop.  I think my poor patient hubby was hoping they would soon disappear!  All of a sudden one day I got the urge and went to work.  After a coat of primer (2 on the tops), I painted them and then distressed them.  We went to Home Depot where we finally found handles that would work.  Love the finished look!

One sits in my kids room, the other was sold to a friend.

This window/mirror/shelf was going to get tossed to the junk pile at the auction until I rescued it.  Nice of me right?!  It was a blueish color.  I took the mirror panes out before I remembered to get a picture of it!

After a few coats of paint, it has the look that I love.  Alas, if I were to keep all of my treasures, my house would be overflowing.  I sold it at the yard sale for $10.00!

Then there's this table.  I had never done a project quite this size, so it sat alongside the nightstands!  This table also cost me only one buckaroo!

It was in bad shape.  The top was awful and it was missing a piece along the back.

Every now and then I would chip away at the top but never really got anywhere.  Finally Brad took pity on me and stripped it for me.  He also made it a lot more sturdy and made a nice custom piece to go along the back.  See how he even made it curvy to compliment the bottom of the drawer?!  He sure is handy!  I loved that we could keep the original drawer pulls on it.  I sold this one at my yard sale and it went off to a good home!

Along with these pieces, I also did another end table, and a few other pieces.  All were either free or a dollar at the auction.  Now that these are all gone, it's time to restock and get back to work.  I love doing this.  It's almost therapeutic for me and the money I make from it is a blessing too!

Catching Up

It's a quiet morning....

The birds are filling the air with praises and my washer is humming away.  Buses are pulling into the school across the street and I hear the sounds of kids talking on their way to school.  I typically am not a "morning person", but lately, have found a beauty in it.   I got up at 5:30 to use the restroom and had every intention of going back to bed till at least 8 or 9 but thought I would take advantage of the cool morning air and get my cleaning done and laundry started.  Maybe I'll take time for a forenoon nap!

Brad has been gone this past week to Alabama.  He is helping to clean up the damage that fierce tornadoes have left behind.  He's been on quite a few work trips in his day and he says he has never seen anything worse.  The devastation is so widespread.  He said it feels like they didn't even make a dent in the damage around them.  How much we have to be thankful for.  Last night there was a tornado watch in our area and as the dark clouds rolled in and then passed us by with only a shower, I thought about how it would feel to lose everything.  Sure, a house, pictures, heirlooms, etc are all "things" but it still would bring such a sense of loss, let alone if you lost your spouse, siblings, children or other family members.

With Brad gone, I've been kept busy.  I thought it would be great to be at home a few days with nothing to do and nowhere to go but it has not happened!  It's made my week fly by though.  On Wednesday, I got a call from our agency asking if we would take a little boy and girl.  They are currently with foster parents but the family they are with, already have a few other adopted children and with summer coming on, feel busy with these young ones.  I'm told they are an older couple and that the boy (J) "asks a lot of questions and has lots of energy".  I really don't know what we're in for but we're up to the challenge!  They told me the children would come next week or possibly Friday.  After finding out Brad was away, much to my relief,  they decided to go for next week.   Since Monday is a holiday and the offices are closed, we will be picking them up on Tuesday.  I would've been ok with getting them Friday (today) but it is just so much better if Brad can be there the first day they are here. 

I love having this time to prepare and get ready for the adjustments sure to come.  I know it's pretty rare to have such notice ahead of time.  Often, the children get placed within a few hours or a day or 2 at the latest.  Having a week, feels to me, like being pregnant!  Minus the bloating, hormones, cravings etc!  I told my sister it's almost like we had an ultrasound now and can start preparing more extensively.  There were some things we were waiting to buy and get ready until we knew the ages, and sex of the children we will be getting.  Now I could go out and buy bedding, toys, etc.  I'm hoping to get lucky at some yard sales this weekend.  We have pretty much everything, but would like to have some more toys for outside since it's warmer now.

It's weird how I love these kids already and have never met them.  Yes, I know it will have it's days and I know that raising foster children has it's own set of unique challenges, but at the same time, we are so ready for this.  There's a pretty good chance that we could eventually adopt the girl (A), but her 1/2 brother (J) will probably be going to live with his father in a few months.  I know we are in for sleepless nights, no more quiet times around the house, etc, but this house has been quiet for so long.  I'm ready for the sound of little feet running around even though it means I'll be sweeping the floor every day instead of once a week or so like I do now!   Brad is so excited too and can't wait to get home.  We plan on spending Saturday and Monday putting up beds, finishing our toybox and garden shed, and doing our mulching and lots of other outside stuff so it's done and we can concentrate on the kids and their needs.

This week I also met with a specialist to talk about possible testing because of all these miscarriages.  Our meeting was about an hour and after discussing it with Brad, we're going to pursue at least some testing to see if we can get answers.  Yesterday they did bloodwork.  There was a long row of vials of my blood on the counter when they were finished!  Next week on Wednesday they will be doing some kind of test where they put a catheter in my uterus and fill it with saline to see if there are any abnormalities there.  I am soo not looking forward to it especially since it will be the day after we get the children.  The test has to be done that day (a certain number of days into your cycle).  My mom or sister or both will be here to be with the children or Brad will take off of work.  We're waiting to see what the children are like before we decide for sure.  The whole testing process looks overwhelming to me and yet at the same time, it will be nice to hopefully know what is causing the miscarriages.

So, knowing all the changes about to descend upon me, I'm going to enjoy these quiet mornings and days while I can.  And yet, I can't wait for this phase of life headed our way!

Barnwood Projects

Sooo..remember that old barn we tore down back in November? 

Well, it has been reduced to this...

After weeks,  months of it taking up all of the room in our big 3 car garage/shop, it finally came to the point where more organization HAD to happen.  Spring is here and it was time to dig out our lawn mower from the piles of rubble around it.  A few weeks ago, Brad and I spent a whole Saturday out in the garage sorting and stacking it all up.  I love watching my husband work.  He goes to great lengths to try and explain something to me about his ideas for it all but it doesn't usually sink in till I actually SEE it.  When he told me his plan for stacking all of this stuff, I went along with it, most of the time thinking he was nuts and that this was never going to work.  But work it did, and splendidly too! 

So now that everything is organized it is so much fun to work out there.  Yes, there is still a GIANT pile of the bigger timbers that we really have nowhere to go with, but for now, we can at least move out there.  Oh, and the tractor is out which is a very good thing.  Our lawn is in dire need of some grooming.

Brad's been spending lots of time out there and I join him whenever I can.  We've been trying to come up with all kinds of things to make with this ole wood.  Some of the ideas came from online sites and some of it is stuff we just came up with!

We salvaged a trap door from the barn and weren't sure what to do with it.  After more thought we decided it would make an excellent lid to a chest.  This was the result.  I so love it but there is no room in my house for it.  It can be yours for $100.00!

We also made a BUNCH of these ladders out of the old tobacco lath that was on the roof.  According to sites we visited, they are a hot item!  You may own one for $5.00!

We also made "baskets" and candle boxes.  I think these baskets would look great with pansies or summer flowers planted in them  $5.00 if you want either one of these. 

I had been wanting to make some signs with some of the siding.  For now I made a bunch like this , but want to get a stencil to make the letters a little more uniform.  I have 2 of these signs around our house here and LOVE them!  One can be yours for $5.00!

Brad also made signs like this for our kids room (more coming later on that).  I painted the letters A, B,C on them and simply love how it turned out!

There are still lots of doors.  We're thinking of making a table with one of them.  I have heard they are in high demand, I just don't now how to connect with the right buyers...

There are also a few of these cool pieces that were part of the frames above the doors/windows.  I think they would look great with WELCOME on them or even a last name.

If you would like to custom order something, or if you've got any ideas of things we could make, let me know!  We're also looking into selling some things wholesale to a shop somewhere.  Also, if you want to buy some wood to make your own thing, we will give you a great deal!  For now, if you have a hard time getting ahold of us, guess where we'll be?!  Hubby's in the middle of making a great toybox for all kinds of kids toys.  Only problem is that it's turning out to be bigger than I thought it would be so we may have to sell it.  It's the size of a traditional like cedar chest but I was hoping for something a little smaller.  We'll see if I can bear to part with it!

Grief...Once Again

Grief..this word is becoming all too real to me.  It seems like there has been so much of it in my life lately. 

Monday, April 4th, something prompted me to take a pregnancy test.  Maybe it was the fact that I was feeling yucky, maybe it was the fact that a week before, my "period" had only lasted 1 day, I don't know.  But finally, I took one.  I did my duty, left it lay on the sink and went about my morning chores.  Then I remembered...and went to look.  There before my eyes were 2, yes 2, pink lines.  So many times in the past year there had been only 1 line and I just thought it would be that way again.  I burst into tears and left a message on my hubby's phone.  He only gets his calls at break and lunch time so I knew it would be awhile before he called me back. Then I called my doctor's office and the nurse asked me if it was a test from the Dollar Store.  Why yes, it was.  I had gotten so tired of spending so much money on test after test, so I had bought a bunch at the dollar store.  She told me that sometimes they are not as reliable and advised me to go and get another test.  So I jetted off to Wal-Mart and bought a pack of 3.  Came home, did my thing again and right before my eyes 2 pink lines shot up.  My heart skipped a beat.  I still had not been able to talk to Brad but had been on the phone with my sister.  She was about as delighted as I was and thrilled to pieces.  I was a little worried that I had been bleeding about a week before but honestly thought that things would be ok.  My doctor wanted to see me as soon as possible so we set up an appointment for the next morning.  In the meantime she had me come in and do bloodwork to see where my levels were and also to check my progesterone level.  The rest of the day I didn't do too much other than smile! 

Tuesday morning as soon as my doctor walked into the room I could tell something was wrong.  I don't really remember exactly what she started out with but something like..."I'm so sorry, but things don't look good".  She said my HCG levels were way low (142) and my progesterone level was 1.2.  Had it been a healthy pregnancy my HCG levels should have been in the thousands and my progesterone level a LOT higher.  I sat there numb, not knowing what to say and think.  I honestly thought she would tell me that things are looking good and get this..I even had myself thinking maybe she would tell me that I was like 12 weeks along!!   Once again, my hopes and dreams were dashed in an instant.  She set up an appointment for bloodwork again in a few days and sent me on my way. 

I got in my car and the tears came in torrents.  I couldn't believe this was happening again.  When I got home, I went straight to bed and just cried for a while.  Tuesdays are the days I work at the auction so I decided to go, hoping maybe I could block it from my mind for a while.  WRONG.  I lasted about 2 hours before nearly breaking into tears a few times.  Thankfully, the people I work for are very understanding.  The next 2 days were spent on the recliner.  My heart was broken.  It;s hard to explain how I felt towards God.  Not really angry...just kinda offended that he didn't see our prayers for a baby as one to answer in the way we wanted.  Evenings when Brad came home from work he would just hold me as I cried and said over and over again about how sad I was.   Speaking of Brad....he has been amazing through all of this.  He has been so strong and yet crying with me.  Yet, there was a peace that wasn't there with the other 2 losses we had been through.  It's like we have so come to the place that we honestly want God's best for our lives.  That doesn't really make things any easier though.  I knew that if I didn't let myself grieve, be angry, sad etc...that one day it would be even harder to work through.  So for 2 days I did just that, and felt I was ready to move on.

Thursday morning I had another appointment for bloodwork and also a meeting with one of the doctors.  He refered me to a specialist and said that we will wait for my numbers to go back to zero and then their office would set up an appointment for me.  Thursday afternoon, his nurse called telling me that my numbers had gone up.  I was in total shock again.  WHAT?  It seemed like some kind of cruel joke.  It had been hard for me to believe that I was miscarrying because with my other 2 there had been sooo much pain and blood.  This time, it was just a day or 2 and nothing painful at all.  I had thought that maybe there was some blood there from implantation or something, but had also accepted the fact that from the looks of things, it was actually happening or had already happened.  So when the report came back I was shocked.  We thought maybe it could be that I was only a few days pregnant but had indeed miscarried one before.  We didn't know what was going on.  So it was back to the recliner for me with orders to come in for more bloodwork in a few days.

Meanwhile that Friday we got a call from our foster care agency wondering if we would take in 2 brothers.  A 10 month old and a 2 1/2 year old.  We talked about it but knew that with everything going on with me it just wasn't good timing.  I wouldn't have been able to care for them the first few days and I just didn't want to put them through that.  We said "No" but now I wish we would've taken them!  Hopefully we'll get another call before too  long.

Monday morning found me back at the doctors office.  By the way, I hate doing bloodwork.  They always have a hard time finding a good vein from me.  The nurse told me to call back around 2 to get the results.  When I called back, they informed me that my numbers were at 42.  So it definitely was a miscarriage.  I cried all over again.  The doctor talked to me about all kinds of things and was very patient in answering all of my questions.  We spent about 25 minutes on the phone.  When I got off of the phone, it was almost a sense of relief in a way.  It had been so hard for me to believe that things could actually be ok after all and I kinda knew in my gut that things wouldn't turn out right but it still was the finality of it all.

Yesterday I had bloodwork once again and my numbers are now at -1.  We plan on seeing a specialist to see what could be causing this.  Now that it is my 3rd miscarriage it is considered more of a diagnosis. "Habitual Aborter" is the word they use.  Sounds awful.  I hate the word ABORTION and it almost feels like that diagnosis makes me and my body an abortion machine.  From research I've done I am almost positive that it is a progesterone issue and from what I hear that is a pretty easy "fix". 

When I tell people that I am at peace with everything they question whether I am sincere.  I love being challenged like that, but I can't explain the peace that I have.  As much as I would love to be pregnant and bear a child from the fruit of my husband and I, I honestly feel like I have left it go.  That doesn't mean that there haven't been times when I am sad or cry or get angry.  We have been surrounded by SO many family and friends who have been praying for us and believing with us.  Alot of times these past few weeks I felt too angry and weak to pray and it felt so good to know there were people "standing in the gap" for us.  THANK YOU.  Yes, it still hits me and affects me, but honestly under it all, I feel carried and just at peace...