Monday, October 4, 2010


It's late...

It doesn't happen too often that I am up this late anymore.  Guess it's the age in me coming out!  The weekend is almost over and the week ahead looks long.  Wonder what all it holds?

I sit here listening to the sounds around me. 
     It's raining again
     My husband softly snores beside me....sometimes not so softly! : )
My fingers fly across the keys but I am using the backspace more than I should.  Writing a line....erasing it....wondering how much I want to put out there for all the world to see.  Blogging is an incredibly vulnerable thing for me.  It exposes all parts of us.  The silly, the bored, the tired, the social, the pained, the sad, the joyful...But I love to look back on things that happened and be able to see God's faithfulness in everything.

It happened again today.  The red flow that tells me my womb is empty.  I was so hoping it would be holding life this month.  Guess not.  Instead the week looks long...filled with constant reminders that I am not yet a mommy, and Brad is not yet a father.  Filled with the empty feeling that now is not God's time for our family to start.  Will it ever be time?  I refuse to give in to the fear that my womb may never house life for 9 months.  Refuse to give in to the fear that my arms will never hold my own child. 

Fear..I command you to leave and I choose to replace it with trust.  Trust that I serve a God who knows best for my life.  Trust that no matter what my future God is ALREADY there.

He was there 3 weeks ago when we chose to open our home to a young lady who was tired of running.  He's been there in the 3 weeks of adjustment and changes.  Huge changes.  Frustrating times.  Times of misunderstanding and yet seeing her choose to turn her life around has been so worth it.

Maybe it's best that she is here right now.  I can't really grieve.  You see, I have to be the strong one for her.  The one who is helping her to see that God loves her and has a plan for her, even though  my heart wants to doubt that he does for me.  Maybe it's best that I can't wear my emotions on my sleeve right now.  Instead I wait till the house is still and then I let my emotions go.

Raw, raw pain and fear.  My tears won't stop...

I sing on the worship team at church.  Sometimes it's the hardest thing to do especially when you feel empty and feel like you have nothing to give, and even harder when you don't "feel" like worshiping.  Music ministers to me more than anything else.  So instead of holding in the tears this morning, I finally left them fall....

"Blessed be your name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, Blessed be your name.  You give and take away, you give and take away.  My heart will choose to say...LORD blessed be your name."

"Precious Jesus, I am ready, to surrender every care.  Take my hand now, lead me closer, Lord I need to meet you there."

These songs aren't the easiest to sing when your mind is full of hurting people and the pain of loss in your own life.  Our pastor closed the service by asking everyone to raise clenched hands to the Lord.  Tightly clenched hands raised up all over the church.  Then he told us to open our hands to the Father when we were ready to surrender whatever we were holding onto to HIM.  I stood there with my hands tightly clenched before my GOD.  Holding onto frustrating situations with the girl living with us right now, holding onto the dream of having a baby when I knew the blood was flowing as we sang...And then I left it go....I opened my hands to my Father God and gave it to him.  I could physically feel the difference.  It felt freeing.....I stood there drained and vulnerable....

It still hurts.  I'm still scared.  But in spite of it all, I choose LIFE.  I choose to TRUST in a God whose plan is so So SO much bigger than my own.

Yes, I will cry.  Yes, I will mourn the life that's not there like we were hoping it would be.  But I will move on.


  1. What a beautiful surrender...
    Your vulnerability cannot help but invite grace.
    May He hold you up by His arms and bring hope
    to your heart,
    as He bottles each tear.

  2. I have been there...every month...right beside you, and am still there. I surrender again this morning, not knowing what He has in store for our lives, scared, but still trusting. He knows what is best for us. Blessings!

    ~eunice b
    tigergal01 @gmail .com

  3. I know the feelings! Again the answer this month has been "No" for us as well. But I choose to trust my Heavenly Father who knows best! Easier said than done when my arms ache with sheer lonliness sometimes!

  4. beautiful, mimy, and so real! praying 4 you this morning,

  5. Praying for your loss may the Lord wrap his arms aroung you today.

    Ann Michelle

  6. ((hugs)) from someone who has traveled the road- Keep on Refusing to keep up hope- God has remembered you, Gina

  7. you have a gift with words.

    a way of sharing that makes others feel that they are not alone in their own pain. thank you for taking the time and emotional energy to share with *the world* your sadness and so much more.

    there is healing in shared grief.
    keep writing.
    love, Janelle

  8. Mimmy- I sit here reading with tears streaming down my face. This morning I want answers also- I am weary of waiting on God's timing- but the only answer I get is "wait-your life is in My hands" So today once again I choose to believe and wait. Praying for you today! With love and tears- Sara Eash

  9. Mimy,you made realize again God really cares about us. We just need to let him in Control. Love you

  10. Mimmy,
    As I read your words of sorrow and pain, my eyes filled with tears and I wish I could come give you a hug and tell you its going to be ok. I have never felt the pain of what your going through, but I have felt the pain of not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I pray you can find comfort in abiding with Jesus. For me that thought brought lots of comfort. He really does care about our pain, even when it does nt feel like He does. You are an amazing women!!! I miss those fridays we spent together:)

  11. I just found your blog this morning from another blog I read and I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I too have struggled with this issue over the years and know your pain. But God is faithful!!!! He has blessed our family with three beautiful adopted daughters in the past five years. We never thought it would be possible, but with God all things are possible. Blessings!!!

  12. I just found your blog and fell in love. I love your way with words. You sound like a really fun girl, but mostly I love that you are *real* and you embrace life and live it well. This post is powerful, and I can tell you have a beautiful heart. I am so sorry for the pain of infertility. I know a little about it...went through two years. I know it sounds short now, and it is compared to the never-ending years my friends have gone through. But at the time it seems so much longer. Every month is like a year. I have no glib words of hope, but I do want to encourage you that God is making something beautiful come from your life. You blessed me today. {Hugs} Christy

  13. PS If you haven't read "Empty Womb, Aching Heart" you really need to!

  14. I pray you be BLESSED today! I am so glad to know you also have a blog!! I find it to be such a GREAT way to stay in touch with one's life. So sorry about your miscarriages,i did not know. So when you have a day off and you need to get away alone just hop in your car and DRIVE to my house OK!!!! hahaha we will have coffee and sit and talk like we did years ago...i don't even need to know you are coming until you are on your way...hahaha i will change my plans for the day(as if I have many...ha)

  15. It's so hard to understand the hard roads we sometimes walk, isn't it? I am so sorry for your empty womb and aching heart. May the Lord be gracious to you and bless you with fulness of joy! Thanks for sharing the pain of your heart, while leaving us with *hope* in God~for truly He is our only hope!

  16. Mimy, stay strong in the Lord. I too share these same emotions as we have been trying going on 5 yrs to have a successful pregnancy! I lost a baby almost 4 yrs ago, it was the roughest experience for me and my husband. Every month i try to get myself busy with a project over 'that time' just to ease the pain. Cling tight to each other - God will bless you! Hugs!