Monday, April 23, 2012

Holding Them Close

Tears stream down my face as I hold closely the wriggling body of my infant son. He has no idea what is going through my mind, but I can't help but hold him close and cry into his shoulder.  I go to the table where his preschool age sister is happily playing play-do and scoop her up in my arms. Surprised, she wraps her little arms around my neck as I quietly sob. She has no idea that tears are streaming down my face and has no idea what possessed her mother to interrupt her play and scoop her into a tight hug. I let her go and turn quickly so she can not see my tear stained face. But shes smart and says “Don’t cry Mommy, you may play with me”. I choke out a smile and go back to her wailing brother.
When my husband and I started the journey in foster care we tried to prepare ourselves for the heartbreak that inevitably comes with losing your heart to these kids but nothing could’ve prepared me for the fear that coursed through my body when I found out that we can not move towards adoption at this point like we had hoped. By this time we should be well on the way to adopting our daughter. Even though nothing is finalized, just the thought that things don’t look as good for us as they did at one time, makes me panic. 

I feel myself wanting to distance myself from these children to protect myself but I know that is not the answer. The risk of being a foster parent/hoping to adopt is just that…a risk. We knew that when we signed up for this and yet the reality is so tough. It’s impossible to halfway love these kids, impossible not to dream of a future of when we change their names and they become “ours”. So for now, I will love on them like they deserve while I have them. Make memories while we can, try to teach them things that will last for a lifetime, and hold them a little closer today.

10 comments:

  1. yes Mimi it is sooooo had my parents and i have been thru that sooo often. sometimes u r ready to see them go( not really, but..) and the next ones its like u wanna pack up and run away with them

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  2. I can't even imagine what that must feel like! May God bless you in a very special way for opening up your hearts and home to these children, especially in heart-wrenching times like these! I'll keep you, Brad and the children in my prayers!

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  3. I'm crying!!!! Not just cuz of the possibility that you may lose your dear, precious, beautiful children whom I have come to LOVE, but because a mother's love is just incredible, whether biological or not. So real, so strong, so beautiful, so loyal. I love watching you be a mother Mimy, and know today that I'm praying for you guys, rooting for you, and hoping A and C get to experience life with you guys, their whole lives! LOVE YOU! xoxo

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  4. I never went thru this but i can only imagine how "scary" things can look.You know the One who has it all planned out.Love,Rhoda

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  5. Mimy, 14 years ago, I could have written this post. But God had a miracle up his sleeve. Bio Grandma died suddenly and bio mom could not do it without her help. The twins were ours to keep. So hang in there. Pray .

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  6. My friend, I can't even imagine the emotions that the momma heart, God placed in you, are dealing with. Even though we are so far apart & do not even know each other, we serve the same great God. The God, who in all his Holiness created each star in the heavens, but hears our desperate cries too...He understands and listens. He is doing a great work-that I don't doubt.

    You are so brave for sharing your journey with us. I am always so pleased to read your posts-it has given me such insight to fostering and a heart that wants to reach out & support ladies like you around me. Ladies who are actually God's hands here on earth. A while ago a lady was buying some barrettes from me for her friend who fosters-she loves to do the little girl's hair all up fancy like----I gave her a bundle full of barrettes for free....not cause of anything great in my heart...but because of you-and your sharing part of your life.

    One hour at a time, one minute at a time, love your babies and see right now.

    Blessings.

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  7. Hang in there, Mimy. A year ago we were here with our precious B. She was moving home in August 2011 - no question. The poor thing had a mama crying into her shoulder more than once too! But God had other plans and we are now waiting for an adoption date. God loves these children even more than we do (hard to believe I know!) He has a perfect plan for you...prayers!

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  8. My heart hurts with you. I know a God that walks with us through times of letting go. He sees our tears. Some how He inlarges our hearts and when the phone rings and another child needs a home our heart hurts for them and we say "Yes". Only to relize that we have once again given our hearts away. At times we wonder why do we continue and then God continues to burn a passion in our hearts for the hurting children. With all my heart I hope you will be able to keep them.
    Karen Hess

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  9. Lots of prayers for a and c and you and Brad. To love and have it ripped away is painful. To not have loved is worse yet. I love the way you write about the risk...

    Marylu

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  10. What a beautiful post! I commented earlier but just wanted to say hi again in case the first gets lost in the archives! -Amy

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