This 4 letter word used to have such a grip on me. But now, through a series of God teaching me things in all kinds of ways, I feel like, for the most part, I have conquered it. Almost 2 years ago, Brad and I did the Take Back Your Life Seminar. The session on fear hit me hard. Then, last year in Sunday School, I was part of a great group of women who shared openly with each other. One of the books we studied was called So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. I learned so many valuable truths through this class. Insecurity is often fear based. Brad has helped me with so many of my fears, by praying through them with me and gently correcting me.
But then there are nights like last night. Out of nowhere, fear comes back. Brad and I were laying in bed just chatting when all of a sudden I started sobbing. That familiar thing called FEAR was gripping me so hard. All I could think about was..."What if Brad would die". That seems to be one of my biggest fears. I think alot of my married friends feel the same way. I couldn't control myself and Brad just held me as I cried. He had no idea why I was crying until I finally gathered myself and told him what was going on. I am so so blessed with such a patient loving husband. He left me cry for a while. And then, we prayed together, holding onto each other as hard as we could. He prayed for me and my fears and I prayed and gave it all over to God once again. I could physically feel relief after I gave it all up again. The hardest thing to pray is that "I place my husband into your hands, Lord". Yes, I pray for his physical safety, but in the end, I need to place him once again into the hands of his maker.
Love is such a scary thing in a way. It makes you feel so vulnerable to love someone so much. In the book So Long Insecurity one paragraph goes like this...
"I have always been afraid of losing my most cherished loved one. When giving way to particularly advanced forms of self torment, I have even pictured myself at their caskets, (morbid, I know, but don't try to tell me you haven't done it). But I never once pictured myself several years later, back on my feet to the Glory of God, heart sore and scarred, but pouring my life into hurting people. Helping other people get through what I've gone through is redemption to me. It's the only way on earth to plunder the pain."
This paragraph so says it exactly. Yup, I have done that, and did again last night. My mind was filled with thoughts like...what would my future look like without him, there's no way I could move on, what would I do with the house. My head was spinning with fears that are not even founded. What a good feeling though to know that God is in control. Imagine trying to control the world and all within it. As much as I like to be in control of things it feels so much better to give it all over to the one who knows best.
After praying, talking through things and connecting with my husband again...that big ole fear again took a hike! I'm learning how to work though the fears in my life but am so thankful that they don't come around as often anymore!
This morning, things looked brighter! There was a sweet note waiting on the counter from my husband, thanking me for all that I do for him and letting me know that I will be in his thoughts all day! I had also gone out to the kitchen after Brad was asleep last night and stuck one in his lunch box so I thought it was kinda neat that we had each written notes to the other without knowing it.
It feels like Spring is here to stay...the windows are wide open, birds are singing and my heart is at peace...