7 months ago, my husband and I thought we would be parents by now. I was due with our first child on February 2. We were so excited, and spent those first few weeks dreaming of how things would be. Tomorrow is February 2. The day I was supposed to become a mother. Yet, in our "spare room", there sits an empty crib.
Today as I sat on the bed, staring at the crib, I let the tears fall. Tears of loss and grief. Tears of shattered dreams. Tears of what could have been. 
The loss we experienced was repeated a few months later when I lost our second baby. After the second loss, I felt numb. I felt an anger I had never felt before. It scared me. All of my life I had been taught that God is good and everything he does is good. Yet, how can a good God, think it is in my best interest to have us experience not one, but 2 miscarriages? It didn't make any sense to me and is something I still struggle with.
We buried our Baby Grace in our flower bed. A few months later we buried her sister Faith there too. Faith was named by her daddy. I didn't want anything to do with naming this child and it was even hard for me to acknowledge that it happened. Had I been able to erase the physical pain and the endless flow of bright red blood that told me it was over, I would've chosen to ignore the fact that I had even been pregnant again. Time does bring healing in a way, and yet, the pain is so real. Especially now.
Today as I sat on the bed, staring at the crib, I let the tears fall. Tears of loss and grief. Tears of shattered dreams. Tears of what could have been. The loss we experienced was repeated a few months later when I lost our second baby. After the second loss, I felt numb. I felt an anger I had never felt before. It scared me. All of my life I had been taught that God is good and everything he does is good. Yet, how can a good God, think it is in my best interest to have us experience not one, but 2 miscarriages? It didn't make any sense to me and is something I still struggle with. 
We buried our Baby Grace in our flower bed. A few months later we buried her sister Faith there too. Faith was named by her daddy. I didn't want anything to do with naming this child and it was even hard for me to acknowledge that it happened. Had I been able to erase the physical pain and the endless flow of bright red blood that told me it was over, I would've chosen to ignore the fact that I had even been pregnant again. Time does bring healing in a way, and yet, the pain is so real. Especially now.
Yesterday, my husband held me as I cried out my grief. I told him that for the first time since my 2nd miscarriage, I feel at peace. Peace in knowing that God is in control and will grant us the desires of our heart in HIS time. My Sunday School class is studying the book "Lies Women Believe". Yesterday was a breakthrough for me in realizing the lie I have believed that God is NOT good. Here is an excerpt that I've been clinging too. "We want God to fix all of our problems. God says instead, "I have a purpose for your problems. I want to use your problems to change and to reveal My grace and power to the world. That is the Truth and the Truth WILL set you free."
So yes, there is an empty crib in my house, but I choose to rest in God's plan for it and for My life.
so beautifully written, so filled with truth, not being fake. thank you for taking the time to share your journey with us. may the peace that you speak of continue to fill your heart and mind.
ReplyDeleteGrace and Faith were loved more in their short life then many, many children experience in their entire lives....how blessed they were.
Oh, Mimy, you are in my prayers today especially. How well I know the feeling of having an "empty crib." We have been married for 10 years, and every month I would think "this will be the time." I have never gotten pregnant, but I hurt for you as you face tomorrow. I too have felt the anger and was scared to admit it to anyone. Bless you for sharing! I love you!
ReplyDeletemy friend...i weep w/ you - pain is hard, but somehow, in ways i don't understand, it helps us to be better people. hugs!
ReplyDeletetears are streaming...im so sorry it has to be you. Stay strong. There is always hope in tommorow!
ReplyDeleteyour sis
Can't see too well as I type this! Somehow I know God is making you into who He wants you to be. I love your honesty & am praying for you today! Love & Prayers, Janice Martin
ReplyDeleteI hate it when you hurt...but am so thankful that you are so real and honest and share when you're hurting. Today was so fun, and good. I love times like these. Praying that God would continue with the healing process, and that He would show you Truth to counteract the lies you believe(d). I love you so much!
ReplyDeletemimy- i'm sorry...i don't know what else to say but that yes, God is good!!!! I cried when i read your blog now...in some ways i so know how u feel. Yet i don't know how it feels to have it be your first babies..not that Malachi was any less important to me...i miss him alot everyday but i have other children i can hold and it has helped me deal with the pain. So i pray God will continue granting you MUCH peace everyday...esp today. And i can't wait to hang out with these little ones in heaven-what an absolute great time we'll have!!! Bring it on!! Thanx for sharing your heart-i pray God will bless u with the desires of your heart and esp granting u a healthy baby to cuddle and love. I know it's not something you'll take for granted. That is a gift we've been given thro our loss. i am seriously going off!!! HUGS!! Lena (Chet)
ReplyDeleteMimmy, I feel your pain, your hurt, questions, loneliness, empty and all those other roller coaster emotions that go with what you have experience! We've been married 4 1/2 years and also lost 2 precious babies! I know how some days it seems all ok and then one word or seeing a baby at the store or the empty crib again can bring all the tears right back. I hold on to the promises in the Word and keep looking to our Lord and Saviour for strength one day at a time. I have to think of the ones that go through this that don't have a relationship with Jesus how would I make it through with out him! Praying Peace and Strength through this time and also that God will grant you the desires of your hearts!
ReplyDeletehey,mimy thinking of you,and believing God will grant you're desire.love ya,suz
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for stopping by my blog. This post had brought a lot of emotions back to me. The hurt, frustration, the emptiness. Its all so raw and real. Thank you again and I look forward to following more of your journey.
ReplyDeleteGod bless
Ooh, I thought I'd commented on this post the first time I read it, but must have gotten interrupted before I actually did.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your losses, Mimy. I know that empty feeling too, but as someone else already stated, mine has been sandwiched between two other children which helps so much. I pray that God will bless you with children brought to full term, and will meanwhile, be your Comforter and Strong Tower where you can run and be safe.