7 months ago, my husband and I thought we would be parents by now. I was due with our first child on February 2. We were so excited, and spent those first few weeks dreaming of how things would be. Tomorrow is February 2. The day I was supposed to become a mother. Yet, in our "spare room", there sits an empty crib.
Today as I sat on the bed, staring at the crib, I let the tears fall. Tears of loss and grief. Tears of shattered dreams. Tears of what could have been. The loss we experienced was repeated a few months later when I lost our second baby. After the second loss, I felt numb. I felt an anger I had never felt before. It scared me. All of my life I had been taught that God is good and everything he does is good. Yet, how can a good God, think it is in my best interest to have us experience not one, but 2 miscarriages? It didn't make any sense to me and is something I still struggle with.
We buried our Baby Grace in our flower bed. A few months later we buried her sister Faith there too. Faith was named by her daddy. I didn't want anything to do with naming this child and it was even hard for me to acknowledge that it happened. Had I been able to erase the physical pain and the endless flow of bright red blood that told me it was over, I would've chosen to ignore the fact that I had even been pregnant again. Time does bring healing in a way, and yet, the pain is so real. Especially now.
Yesterday, my husband held me as I cried out my grief. I told him that for the first time since my 2nd miscarriage, I feel at peace. Peace in knowing that God is in control and will grant us the desires of our heart in HIS time. My Sunday School class is studying the book "Lies Women Believe". Yesterday was a breakthrough for me in realizing the lie I have believed that God is NOT good. Here is an excerpt that I've been clinging too. "We want God to fix all of our problems. God says instead, "I have a purpose for your problems. I want to use your problems to change and to reveal My grace and power to the world. That is the Truth and the Truth WILL set you free."
So yes, there is an empty crib in my house, but I choose to rest in God's plan for it and for My life.